Vets, infections & injections…

Posted on August 2, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

We spent the afternoon at the vet with Boncuk yesterday.

I noticed a few days ago that she was shaking her head a lot and she had started to cry when we were stroking her left ear, I tried to get a look inside to see if I could see something stuck in it but couldn’t see anything. It was Bayram so our vet was closed and we decided to wait a few days to see if it would get better itself or if she was still in discomfort – obviously if she was in pain we would have taken her right away, but she was her usual crazy self, jumping all over us and wagging her tail!

It didn’t get better over the holiday period – and I could tell it was infected as it was red and crusty… ewww. So this afternoon we took her. It was really hot and humid today so I was dreading the 2.8km walk to the vet, and the 2.8km walk back again… luckily Berkay spoke to his friend and managed to persuade him to take all 3 of us in his car, with Boncuk in the boot on a bedsheet. She hates being indoors so I thought she’d be scared in the car but she seemed to quite like it, no fussing, she just laid down, bless her.

She’s a clever doggy, she knows exactly what it means when she sees the outside of the Vet’s surgery, we attempted to walk inside and she sat her bum firmly down and wouldn’t move, she definitely is not a fan! We eventually had to pick her up to get her inside, she always gets so much attention in there, the vet and his mum are so friendly, you can tell they really love animals!

He had a look in her ears which made her yelp in pain, I felt so sorry for her. She was so good just laying on the table, a lot of dogs would growl or bite them if they felt threatened but she just laid down, she’s so sweet-natured! The vet was so gentle with her and his assistant stood and stroked her head and was talking to her. He decided he needed to give her an injection to make her sleep so he could look inside and clean them properly, he told us to go outside and sit with her for 15 minutes and that she should fall asleep – she was really fighting it bless her, she refused to sit or lay down and just stood up next to us with her nose resting on Berkay’s leg. Look how sad she looks in the photo, her ears were all floppy, eyes all droopy… but she was still fighting it and even managing to wag her tail at us!

Eventually she did go to sleep, the vet managed to clean her ears and confirmed that she had an infection probably caused by ear mites. We were worried about how much it would cost, but it wasn’t too much. It was 65tl (£18) altogether for the injection, cleaning and ear drops… we ended up paying another 20tl (£6) and getting her booster vaccination and flea prevention done too.

The best thing about the whole experience was when we walked out of the surgery, and the vet said ‘geçmiş olsun’ (get well soon) to Boncuk. Is that not the cutest thing?

By this point Boncuk was feeling very sorry for herself. Again we were really lucky that the vet had to drive past our house in order to drop another dog home, so he let us take a free ride in the back of the car. The whole car journey home Boncuk wouldn’t look at me, she had her head down and was definitely being a sulky pants. Her face just said “I’m not talking to you anymore – you made me go to that nasty man who poked my ears.”

Boncuk’s sulky ‘I’m not talking to you anymore’ face.

I think she’s gotten over it now though, Berkay’s been at work all night so he’s been at the hotel with her, he says she’s happy again now with her little waggy tail and no more sulky faces! Hopefully the ear drops will work and we won’t have to make another vet trip anytime soon.

It’s really hard to find a decent vet around here… some I feel are very over-rated, while others rightfully have a bad reputation. I think we’ve found a good one though – Suckun at Ankavet. He obviously really loves animals and is so gentle with them. Boncuk went there last month to have her hair cut and they ended up giving her a pom pom fluffy tail, she looked so cute! They are so friendly and really helpful too. Today they let us take home a 80tl (£22) 15 kilogram bag of dog food on a ‘pay later’ promise… we’ve done that before so they trust us to pay it back. We also purchased Boncuk’s kennel from them previously and they have boarding kennels for dogs to stay in short-term. If anyone is in the Fethiye area and needs a vet, I definitely recommend them. A link to their website with contact details – http://www.e-fethiye.net/ankavet.html
Here’s hoping Boncuk is back to her normal, crazy, rolling in grass, hyperactive self soon!

Goodbye all over again..

Posted on April 20, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

When I woke up yesterday morning I knew it was going to be a long, hard day.
The atmosphere for the past 3-4 days was different, reality set in for both of us that Berkay would be going back to Turkey soon – and everything just felt strange.

Berkay packing his suitcase
My alarm went off at 0930, and when I realised what day it was I just wanted to bury my head in my pillow and go back to sleep. We got up, got ready, had some toast, finished packing his suitcase and were out of the house and on the way to the airport by 11.30. Dad drove us and my brother and little sister came too.

saying bye to my sister… 😦
After getting a bit lost, we arrived at Luton at 13.15 and went straight to check-in. Seeing all the excited people going on their holidays just makes it all the more depressing. He checked in, dropped his bag off and then we all went and had Burger King…

Then it was time to say goodbye. We all walked up the stairs to departures, my dad, brother and little sister gave Berkay a hug, then went downstairs and left me and Berkay to hug it out… we both shed a little tear, said bye, and then he went through the departures door and the point of no return…

The goodbyes NEVER get easier. Nothing will compare to the goodbye I faced when leaving my house, dog and Berkay behind when moving back to the UK, that was the worst day of my life – but everytime we say goodbye it’s the same feelings all over again. Not knowing when I’ll see him again makes it worse – there’s nothing to look forward to or countdown to.

Having my little sister there this time made it a little better – she’s a good distraction. She kept saying ‘Bye Berkay…come on Dan come downstairs, you’re not going back to Turkey as well are you? I want you to stay here and play with me!’ – cute. Berkay isn’t planning on coming back to the UK for a few years – so the next time he sees her she’ll be a lot older 😦

The blog post I wrote about saying goodbye last time he went in January sums up my feelings again exactly. There is nothing more to add really. It’s just not fair.

I suppose the only good thing to come out of long distance relationships is that you do cherish every moment – you have to.

I do have some good posts about our last few days together which will all be posted over this Easter weekend.

Happy Easter everybody. ❤

Worry, worry, worry…

Posted on March 9, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

It’s Sunday evening, and I’m sat in my bedroom utterly depressed. Monday tomorrow, which I’m sure everyone else who works 9-5 Monday to Friday shall agree, sucks. Monday should be a swear word. In fact, from now on I shall star out the letters. Screw you, M****y.

I’ve been at this job a month, and still hate it as much as my first day.
Despite hating every second of it, I was relieved when I was told by my manager that as far as he was concerned, they would keep me on for longer than 3 months, which they have now said isn’t true as there isn’t enough funding for the new role. So it’s back to square one. Spending my days doing a job I hate, and evenings and weekends back looking for a permanent job earning £18k in London. I applied for 200+ between October – January, and only ever got a reply from one, which was a no. I’m hoping this 3 months experience I will now have will help, but in reality, I’m not so sure it will. I’m sick of it all. I’m not passionate about any career in particular, I never have been. When I was 18 I had an unconditional offer for a university place,achieved 2 A’s and a B at A Levels, and was a fully pledged geek. Instead of taking the opportunity to go to university to study psychology, what did I do? Give it all up and worked 20 hours a week at Sainsbury’s. Clearly I don’t have my head screwed on correctly, because who in their right mind would make that choice? It’s a no-brainer isn’t it? The truth is, I only even applied for university to keep other people happy, because that’s what I was supposed to be doing. I never really wanted to. I should have stuck to my guns this time, and never took an office job. The only job I’m passionate about doing, is working with young children, or animals, neither of which pays much money, and neither of which will get me earning enough to get Berkay to the UK, not in the foreseeable future anyway.

People have commented before about doing a TEFL course and being able to teach English in Turkey, possibly allowing me to get a work permit, it’s not as easy as that though, and from people who already have these jobs, most places require CELTA qualifications, which are much much more expensive, and I’m not even remotely confident enough in myself to teach at a foreign school. I do intend to do a TEFL course soon though.

I’ve had conversations with my family this week about the immigration rules requiring me to be earning £18,600. All they kept saying before I moved back here was ‘you’ll walk straight into a job earning that money’, 6 months and 3 jobs later, here I am, unsurprisingly not earning that.Through these conversations, what I have gathered is that they see nothing wrong with these rules at all. It frustrates me. I’m not saying the world and it’s mother should have free rights to jump on a plane to the UK and enter freely, not at all. I’m just saying that it should be assessed in a fairer way, back to the old rules of the spouse having to show an extra £100 a week after outgoings to show they can afford another person living with them. Someone earning £18,600 could have outgoings of £18,600 a year, or be seriously in debt, whilst someone earning £16,000 may have outgoings of £12,000 a year. Who is in the better position then? Who has the right to decide which people deserve to live with their partners and children, based on income alone? Hell, reports have shown 48% of the UK’s population don’t earn £18,600, are you really telling me those 48% don’t have the right to live with who they want?

Away from the job and visa side of things, I have a new worry constantly on my mind. Boncuk. She’s staying with Berkay in the hotel at the moment, as it’s closed for winter and she is able to roam freely around the grounds. In summer, the hotel owner wants her gone as she’ll disturb guests by barking when seeing the lights, people and hearing the noise, which I can’t really argue with because I know she would do exactly that. This leaves us not knowing where she can go. Berkay has always taken care of her and took her with him to the hotel when he had nothing, he fed her before himself, sharing the only fish he’d caught with her so she’d eat well. We love her to pieces, and the thought of having to give her to someone else breaks my heart. Berkay was considering putting her in the kennels at the local vet, until they said they wanted 600tl a month for the privilege. 600tl a month out of his wages would leave him just 150tl a month to live on. Our own rent was only 350tl! I have gone to bed in tears twice this week after looking at the photos of the three of us, me, Berkay and Boncuk, and wishing with all my heart I could go back to those days. Giving Boncuk to a stranger, if we could even find someone to have her, would mean I never saw her again. I just can’t deal with that. We do have a kind of last resort, our friends said she can stay in their garden, but they only rent their apartment, and I’m worried Boncuk will get settled and used to them and then the landlord kick her out. I wish she could come here, I wish I could just fly out and get her and bring her back, but realistically that’s not possible either. £750 to fly or drive her back, and then still the issue of finding her a home here. My parents won’t let her stay here, not a chance in hell, I’ve asked and begged several times. She’s an outside dog, hates being indoors and isn’t even toilet trained, so I’d need to be able to find, afford and rent a ground floor flat or house with a garden to keep her in. What are the chances of that? I need to put her first, but I’ve always been adamant we’ll do everything we can to keep her with us. She’s our dog, we found her, took her in and she trusts us. Never in a million years would I dump her on the street, and finding a new home would be heartbreaking for both her, and us. What do to?

Honestly, life at the moment is just one big mess. I don’t even have anything positive to say. I don’t know what to do, say, feel.

It’s 2.5 weeks until Berkay is here, but that too, is bittersweet. When I’ve published this post I’m off to book his flight back to Turkey for 19th April. He’s not even here yet and I’m already thinking about and dreading him going back.

For now, I’m taking it one day at a time. Making the most of this Sunday evening before the hell of M****y hits.
Have a good week everybody.

31 days, 1 hour and 18 minutes..

Posted on February 23, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

Last week was probably the hardest week I’ve had since I came back to England, and I’m not entirely sure why.

I found myself spending more time crying in the office toilets, than actually sat at my desk doing work for the first half of the week, and I’m not even exaggerating.

It would be easier if there was one thing bothering me, but there’s a whole list. New job that I’m not enjoying, not getting along with people, missing Berkay, wondering when I’ll next see him after April, wondering how I’ll afford it and be able to take time off, worrying about where Boncuk is going to stay in summer… The list is endless, but I can’t go into much detail because my blog is public and there are eyes I don’t want reading it.

It’s painfully obvious I’m not happy here anyway.

On the plus side, only 4.5 weeks until Berkay is back here. To be precise, it’s exactly 31 days, 1 hour and 18 mintues til he arrives 😉

New job, visas & keeping it real.

Posted on February 16, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

It’s been a big week this week.

I finally started back at work, been waiting for 2 months for them to sort out the contract! It’s a full time office job and only a 3 month temporary role, but hopefully they may keep me on afterwards. Not going to lie though, it’s been hard adjusting back to working life!

Starting back at work has made me feel really frustrated. Frustrated about the visa rules keeping us apart. In order to meet the income requirements for Berkay to come to the UK, I need to be earning another £2,600 a year. Without getting a second job and working all weekend also, in order to make up the difference I need over £21,000 in savings. I really don’t know where these rules came from, how does a shortfall of £2,600 equate to anything near £21k? Ironically, If I did earn the required income I’d really be no better off, travelling to 2 jobs would cost more, and the more money I earn, the more I’ll be paying my parents for rent. I’ve been feeling really down about it, I feel like I’m getting nowhere and that every penny I earn is meaningless, I can save it up, sure, but what use is money when you have nobody to spend it with?

I know it’s a long process, and I’m finally on the first step of the ladder, but it’s still frustrating. I’m impatient. Having Berkay so far away and seeing him for a couple of minutes on Skype everyday isn’t enough. How can we cope like this for years? It’s seriously depressing me. ‘Keep positive’ everyone says, but knowing we have another 2 years+, at the very least, of living like this is so frustrating and upsetting.

I’m also feeling jealous of other people, and I know I really shouldn’t. Jealous of people who only spend a few weeks apart at a time. Jealous of people who have their husbands here for months at a time on a visit visa and wondering why that’s just not possible for us. In theory, Berkay could have stayed here for 6 months, that would be wonderful, but then there’s our dog Boncuk to think about, and he needs to be earning money, my parents wouldn’t let him stay with us for free, so we couldn’t afford that either. I find myself becoming more jealous of these people everyday, and more and more frustrated that I can never see us being in the same position as them. Berkay works bloody hard in Turkey, 12-15 hour days for less than £250 a month, yet he’s never in a better position. I don’t know what else he can do?

‘Don’t pay for his flight, make him pay for something and save’ my Dad says. He has no idea. The cost of living in Turkey is cheaper than the UK, yes, but not that much cheaper that makes living on £250 a month possible. Thank God Berkay doesn’t have to pay rent, water, or electricity currently. But he still has phone bills, travel costs, food costs, he still has to eat, and so does Boncuk. He has debt to pay off. He hasn’t even had a full months wages since October. Roll on summer when he’ll be earning more money.

I’m finding myself getting frustrated with people telling me they know how I feel, when they really don’t. All they’ve ever known is seeing their partner once every 3 months for a week, whereas I’ve lived there for 2.5 years, woke up next to him, slept next to him, ate meals with him.. Living 2.5 years of your life seeing each other every single day, then going to see them once every 3 months is just not the same.

People are being supportive, some tell me I should get back on a plane to Turkey… ~~as if I need any convincing 😉 ,~~ others tell me I’m doing the right thing and that we’ll get there eventually. Neither really make me feel better. I just feel stuck. There is no easy way out. No quick fix.

I seem to have caused quite a bit of controversy in the past couple of days by airing my feelings on the internet, but one of the reasons I started this blog was to have a space for my own thoughts, so apologies if It’s not always happy, rainbows and butterflies. I say what I mean, and mean what I say, I try to keep it real, It wouldn’t be a true representation of my life if I only wrote the positive things on here. I welcome all comments, even if it’s not always what I want to hear!

I only hope it will be worth all the tears and time apart in the end. ❤

Quote : Art Williams.

Saying Goodbye..

Posted on January 6, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

Yesterday was the day I’ve been dreading since he arrived, we had to take Berkay to the airport and wave him off on his flight back to Turkey.

We woke up early, had breakfast and got ready, then Berkay went into my little sister’s room to kiss her goodbye. She really loves having him here and he loves her too, so that was sad. He said bye to my stepmum, then me, Berkay, my dad and brother got in the car ready to go.

That 50 minute journey to the airport was the longest. It’s a horrible feeling knowing you’re time together is running out, and theres nothing you can do to stop it. I felt so out of control.

We got to the airport, checked him in and went upstairs for a hot chocolate in the coffee shop. At this point, as awful as it sounds, I just wanted it to be over, I wanted him to go through departures and be on the other side of the airport, so that I could stop thinking about the goodbye we’d be facing, so that I could stop the urge to burst into tears and the aching in my stomach.

At about 10.40 we got up and took the short walk to the security gates, he had to scan his boarding pass to be let through. He shook Dad and Toby’s hand first, then gave them a hug, then it was my turn. We had a cuddle and shed a tear, and then he went, he blew me a kiss from the other side of the gate and then went around the corner. That was it, the point of no return.

When I moved back from living in Turkey, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I had to physically walk through those airport security gates, I had to physically stand up and walk away from Berkay and my life there, this time it was his turn, once he went through to security, there was no way I could get to him and drag him back for another hug, it was over and done with, he’d gone and there was nothing I could do about it, in a weird way that made it easier… for me at least.

I’ve never been on the other side of those gates at Gatwick before, it’s usually always me going off to Turkey and leaving my parents standing crying at the other side. It’s a horrible feeling. I should be used to goodbye’s by now, the past 3 years has been full of them. Saying goodbye to my family when I first moved to Turkey was hard, then having to say goodbye all over again everytime they came to visit. It was easier as I had Berkay with me to reassure me and make me feel better. This time I felt alone, even though I had family with me, I don’t like to really show my emotions around them.

When we came back home yesterday, I hardly spoke to anyone, I spent the whole day and night in my room, only coming out for dinner. That’s not helping, I know, but I don’t know what else to do, I don’t want to sit in a room full of people. I’m grateful I have family here, of course, but it’s just not the same without Berkay. I live in a house full of people, but I feel alone.

I was talking to friends yesterday and said I felt like someone had died, that’s all I can describe it as. ‘How do you know, what do you have to compare it to?’ They said. I don’t (Thank God), but that’s what I imagine it feels like. Sure, I can still get hold of him via text, facebook or skype pretty much whenever I want, but the physical presence isn’t here anymore. 48 hours ago he was sitting next to me in bed watching a film, now there’s an empty space. His side of the bed is empty, he has clothes left in the wardrobe, slippers by the door that belong to him, yet he’s not here to wear them, one less place at the dinner table. I miss the small things, having someone for company on the train, having someone next to me on the bus, having someone with me at the shops, helping me chose what to buy, waiting for me when I come home from work. When Berkay was here, he used to give me his loose change for my coffee on the way to work, it’s the small, cute things like that that I miss. I miss being able to escape to my room and still have someone here for company, to watch a film with, to listen to music with, to talk to. It really is like half of me is missing.

Berkay is coming back in 11 weeks time, just in time for mums wedding and my birthday. Sure, it’s something to look forward to, but it seems so far away. Im dreading going to bed everynight alone, waking up to realise im still alone and having to face another whole day the same way. I guess it will be easier once I’m back at work and have other things to keep me occupied. I know I’m lucky that Berkay’s visa was granted, I know many who have children and young babies who haven’t seen their dad’s for months, or years, because visa’s were not issued. I’m very grateful that he has been to England 5 times now, I know we are very lucky and have great photos and memories of all his times here, but that still doesn’t make it any easier.

Berkay landed back safely in Antalya last night, after taking off an hour late, and got the late bus back to Fethiye. It was a long journey but he had a lovely welcome by our dog, Boncuk, when he got there. At least someone is happy to see him back!

I’m sick of the ‘goodbyes’ and ‘see you laters’, always having to say bye to somebody, always missing somebody, always having to chose between being with family or Berkay, having to chose between what my head says (stay here, earn money and work towards a better life) or what my heart says (sod it all and move back to Berkay). I dream of the day we can all be in the same place long term and not have to spend our days dreading the next one. I suppose I just want my ‘happily ever after’.

“Even when someone is miles away, always remember that we are under the same sky, looking at the same sun, moon, and stars”

Man flu, sister duties & giant teddies..

Posted on October 8, 2013 by livingtheturkishdream

Tuesday today, instead of our weekly trip to Fethiye market for lunch and coming home with bags of fruit, veg and meat, I spent the day job hunting online, writing cover letters and going to cooking class with my little sister.

It still feels like a holiday, I still can’t believe I’m here for good and won’t see my home, boyfriend or dog anytime soon..

I’m loving spending time with my little sister, although it is a little irritating when she won’t leave my side and always wants to sit on my bed doing her puzzles, haha. Dad and stepmum have been working the same shifts this week so I’ve been doing big sister duties, taking her to nursery, picking her up and going to the park. (: It sure is a big adjustment from living alone with Berkay to living with my dad, stepmum, moody teenage brother and slightly irritating (seriously, how many times can you sing ‘wheels on the bus’ in one day?), two year old little sister. I love them though 🙂 Just miss the peace and quiet sometimes!

I do really miss general everyday life in Turkey, Berkay has been telling me its cold there this week, if I were there we’d be sitting all wrapped up warm around a BBQ on the balcony.. ): I miss walking our dog, going to the Tuesday markets, just waking up next to someone other than my giant teddy bear.. (It’s bigger than me..don’t ask..) He has been FaceTiming me everyday though and sending me photos of Boncuk, I hope she hasn’t forgotten me!

As well as all of that, I’ve been ill since Saturday, cold, cough, sore throat, headache, earache… Man flu..

All in all, nothing has changed since last time I posted.. It still doesn’t feel like home here, and I still want to go back.. ):

Back in England..

Posted on September 28, 2013 by livingtheturkishdream

Yes, I am now back in England.

Berkay and his friends took me to the airport on Thursday night and after a lot of tears, I got on the plane that bought me back to London Stansted at 5am Friday morning.

It was no doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever done, packing up my house was so sad, it was like I was removing all traces of myself from my home. Then it was time to say goodbye to my dog, Boncuk, and that’s when the tears really started. I went and gave her a big hug and kiss and I’m sure she could tell I was sad, instead of jumping up at me with a wagging tail as normal, she just jumped up and stood there, they do say animals can sense things… I hope she doesn’t forget me.

Next was the awful 45 minute car journey, we were both pretty much in tears the whole time. When we got to Dalaman airport we queued up together to check in, I am certain everyone else in the queue overhearing us must have just thought it was a typical holiday romance, English girl, Turkish boy, tears at the airport.. I was tempted to flash my residency permit in front of them and convince them otherwise, but was really too upset to be that bothered what they thought anyway.

An hour or so later, 2 hours before my flight left, we said our final goodbyes, hugged, kissed and shared plenty more tears. In the end I just had to go. I walked through security and passport control, looking back all the time and waving at him. The next 2 hours sitting alone in the food court was hell, thank God they had free wi-fi so I could distract myself with Facebook. I can’t even tell you how tempted I was to call Berkay and tell him to come back and get me and just not get on the flight…

Taking off was sad too, watching everything I love getting further and further away as we flew higher and higher. It was sad. But now it’s done. I’m back. Miles away from my home. My family are doing all they can to make we welcome, but the fact remains that my home is not here. I’m almost certain that instead of trying to get Berkay a visa, we’ll just settle in Turkey once I’ve worked and saved here for a few years. It’s going to take some adjusting living back here. We went to Asda today, it was so weird walking around and not seeing Turkish foods, not buying kilograms of fruit and vegetables. It was overwhelming and strange. On the plus side, I stocked up on pickled onion crisps and oreos.

Berkay is still telling to go back everytime we speak on FaceTime, he found a flight for £35 in a few weeks and is telling me to book it. I wish I could. ):

I will still be updating this blog, I’m unsure what about, but I do have a few posts about Bodrum planned and am open to suggestions about anything else you want to see. (:

Why am I moving back to England?

Posted on September 26, 2013 by livingtheturkishdream

Lot of people have commented and messaged me asking why I’m going back to England, so I thought I’d explain.

The main reason is money. We live off one pretty poor Turkish wage. I cant find work here legally, I don’t have any qualifications or experience in teaching or in the travel/holiday rep area, I can’t speak Turkish and I bring nothing to the country that they don’t already have, businesses generally are not allowed to employ an English person to do a job a Turkish person could do. Living off Berkay’s wage is not so bad in the summer, but in the winter it’s nearly impossible. Each winter we get into debt and spend the summer paying it back, meaning we cant save for the following winter, its a vicious cycle. Coming back to the UK means we can both work and save for the future, albeit in different countries.

If we want to settle together in the UK one day, I need to be settled there with a good job earning £18.600 a year before we even apply for a visa for Berkay. Despite what everyone thinks, the UK makes it very difficult for non-European citizens to come to the UK, the new income requirement is a major set back, it has made things a lot more difficult for us. I’m not sure how many 21 year old’s earn 18.6k a year, but all people keep telling me is if I do not come back to the UK now, I will never earn enough as I will have been out of work for too long.

Berkay also hasn’t done his national service yet. All Turkish men are required by law to serve in the military at some point, Berkay is 22 and has not done it yet as he is studying at university. He hopes by completing his uni he will be able to find a better job later. If we can’t live together in the UK, I will be able to come back here with any money I have saved and live here so long as Berkay has a better job. I don’t know when he will go to the army, should he go now and get it out of the way, or should he wait, finish school and improve his chances of getting a better job later on?

Another question people ask is what is going to happen to our dog? Berkay is keeping her here in Turkey and will look after her, of course we wouldn’t just abandon her. I’m hoping one day to get her to the UK, if that is where we decide to and are able to settle, but it won’t be easy, none of my family want a dog so I will need to be living on my own first, then there is the fee to fly her to England and all the paperwork involved. I cannot see me ever earning enough for Berkay’s visa, saving enough for a place of my own and saving the £700+ to bring her to the UK. But that is all in the future, at least a year or two away, for now Berkay and Boncuk are staying together in Turkey and I’m returning to the UK alone, for how long I have no idea.

Perhaps I will be in England for 2 years saving money and then return to Turkey, perhaps I will find a job earning the required amount to get Berkay a visa and we shall live in the UK, perhaps we shall look into the European route and save to move to Ireland together. Friends and family ask our plans and pull nasty faces when we cannot answer, we do not have a crystal ball, hell I wish we did. There is no solid plan, I can’t say what is going to happen or what we hope to do, it is just impossible to plan ahead when visas are involved, the whole process is very long, very expensive and very uncertain.

All I am sure of right now, is that in less than 24 hours I shall be landing back in the UK. Alone. All I can think is how am I going to walk out of my front door for the last time and not look back knowing I will never step foot inside again? How am I going to say goodbye to my dog not knowing when I’ll see her again? How am I going to walk through security and leave Berkay behind at the airport? How am I going to get on that plane and leave my home, my dog and my boyfriend behind, sit on that plane and watch as I soar 30,000 feet in the air, leaving the past 2.5 years of my life and everything I’ve known down on the ground? How am I going to sit in a room full of people back in the UK, friends and family who are excited to see me, and all the time feel guilty for wishing I was somewhere else? It’s not that I don’t miss them, or that i’m not grateful that I have their support, it’s just that really, England is not my home anymore, it hasn’t been for 2.5 years, that’s a long time for someone who is only 21.

Tag Archives: sad