“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.”

A few weeks ago I saw this quote pop up on my Facebook news feed. I read it and got goosebumps. It manages to take all of my feelings and squish them into two little sentences.

I have never read words more true. I am never going to feel truely at home no matter where I am, because a part of me will always be elsewhere, always be missing someone, something, wondering what is going on in the other place.

Despite how I make it sound, the decision to go back to Turkey was not an easy one. Of course I’m happy there with Berkay and Boncuk, and everything there feels like ‘home’ to me – the food, the way of life, the weird little quirks, but no matter how happy I am there, I am always wondering what the people I leave behind back home are doing, wondering what my family and friends are doing, how they are etc etc, of course their lives move on while I’m not here, and when I do come back to visit, or to live, it’s always hard to fit back in because so much has changed. When I’m back here in England and trying to fit in, all I can think about is my life in Turkey, and what I’m missing there, how much things there are changing, what Berkay’s doing, worrying how my dog is, wanting to just go out and have a little BBQ with our Turkish friends. It’s a vicious circle. It’s almost like ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’ – no matter where you are, there’s a part of you wanting something from ‘the other side’ as it’s inevitable there will always be something missing.

Some say it’s my own fault for choosing this life, for choosing to fall in love with a Turkish person instead of someone who lives around the corner from me. It’s true – this lifestyle is one that I have decided to follow, and I shall forever pay the price for that.

Do I regret it though? Absolutely not. I’m lucky to have two places I feel connected to, yet divided between. I just wish there was a way to merge them all into one cute, fluffy ball of happiness.

Tuesday today, instead of our weekly trip to Fethiye market for lunch and coming home with bags of fruit, veg and meat, I spent the day job hunting online, writing cover letters and going to cooking class with my little sister.

It still feels like a holiday, I still can’t believe I’m here for good and won’t see my home, boyfriend or dog anytime soon..

I’m loving spending time with my little sister, although it is a little irritating when she won’t leave my side and always wants to sit on my bed doing her puzzles, haha. Dad and stepmum have been working the same shifts this week so I’ve been doing big sister duties, taking her to nursery, picking her up and going to the park. (: It sure is a big adjustment from living alone with Berkay to living with my dad, stepmum, moody teenage brother and slightly irritating (seriously, how many times can you sing ‘wheels on the bus’ in one day?), two year old little sister. I love them though 🙂 Just miss the peace and quiet sometimes!

I do really miss general everyday life in Turkey, Berkay has been telling me its cold there this week, if I were there we’d be sitting all wrapped up warm around a BBQ on the balcony.. ): I miss walking our dog, going to the Tuesday markets, just waking up next to someone other than my giant teddy bear.. (It’s bigger than me..don’t ask..) He has been FaceTiming me everyday though and sending me photos of Boncuk, I hope she hasn’t forgotten me!

As well as all of that, I’ve been ill since Saturday, cold, cough, sore throat, headache, earache… Man flu..

All in all, nothing has changed since last time I posted.. It still doesn’t feel like home here, and I still want to go back.. ):

Tag Archives: lonely

The price we pay for the decisions we make…

“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.”

Man flu, sister duties & giant teddies..