Worry, worry, worry…

It’s Sunday evening, and I’m sat in my bedroom utterly depressed. Monday tomorrow, which I’m sure everyone else who works 9-5 Monday to Friday shall agree, sucks. Monday should be a swear word. In fact, from now on I shall star out the letters. Screw you, M****y.

I’ve been at this job a month, and still hate it as much as my first day.
Despite hating every second of it, I was relieved when I was told by my manager that as far as he was concerned, they would keep me on for longer than 3 months, which they have now said isn’t true as there isn’t enough funding for the new role. So it’s back to square one. Spending my days doing a job I hate, and evenings and weekends back looking for a permanent job earning £18k in London. I applied for 200+ between October – January, and only ever got a reply from one, which was a no. I’m hoping this 3 months experience I will now have will help, but in reality, I’m not so sure it will. I’m sick of it all. I’m not passionate about any career in particular, I never have been. When I was 18 I had an unconditional offer for a university place,achieved 2 A’s and a B at A Levels, and was a fully pledged geek. Instead of taking the opportunity to go to university to study psychology, what did I do? Give it all up and worked 20 hours a week at Sainsbury’s. Clearly I don’t have my head screwed on correctly, because who in their right mind would make that choice? It’s a no-brainer isn’t it? The truth is, I only even applied for university to keep other people happy, because that’s what I was supposed to be doing. I never really wanted to. I should have stuck to my guns this time, and never took an office job. The only job I’m passionate about doing, is working with young children, or animals, neither of which pays much money, and neither of which will get me earning enough to get Berkay to the UK, not in the foreseeable future anyway. 

People have commented before about doing a TEFL course and being able to teach English in Turkey, possibly allowing me to get a work permit, it’s not as easy as that though, and from people who already have these jobs, most places require CELTA qualifications, which are much much more expensive, and I’m not even remotely confident enough in myself to teach at a foreign school. I do intend to do a TEFL course soon though.

I’ve had conversations with my family this week about the immigration rules requiring me to be earning £18,600. All they kept saying before I moved back here was ‘you’ll walk straight into a job earning that money’, 6 months and 3 jobs later, here I am, unsurprisingly not earning that.Through these conversations, what I have gathered is that they see nothing wrong with these rules at all. It frustrates me.  I’m not saying the world and it’s mother should have free rights to jump on a plane to the UK and enter freely, not at all. I’m just saying that it should be assessed in a fairer way, back to the old rules of the spouse having to show an extra £100 a week after outgoings to show they can afford another person living with them. Someone earning £18,600 could have outgoings of £18,600 a year, or be seriously in debt, whilst someone earning £16,000 may have outgoings of £12,000 a year. Who is in the better position then? Who has the right to decide which people deserve to live with their partners and children, based on income alone? Hell, reports have shown 48% of the UK’s population don’t earn £18,600, are you really telling me those 48% don’t have the right to live with who they want?

Away from the job and visa side of things, I have a new worry constantly on my mind. Boncuk. She’s staying with Berkay in the hotel at the moment, as it’s closed for winter and she is able to roam freely around the grounds. In summer, the hotel owner wants her gone as she’ll disturb guests by barking when seeing the lights, people and hearing the noise, which I can’t really argue with because I know she would do exactly that. This leaves us not knowing where she can go. Berkay has always taken care of her and took her with him to the hotel when he had nothing, he fed her before himself, sharing the only fish he’d caught with her so she’d eat well. We love her to pieces, and the thought of having to give her to someone else breaks my heart. Berkay was considering putting her in the kennels at the local vet, until they said they wanted 600tl a month for the privilege. 600tl a month out of his wages would leave him just 150tl a month to live on. Our own rent was only 350tl! I have gone to bed in tears twice this week after looking at the photos of the three of us, me, Berkay and Boncuk, and wishing with all my heart I could go back to those days. Giving Boncuk to a stranger, if we could even find someone to have her, would mean I never saw her again.  I just can’t deal with that.  We do have a kind of last resort, our friends said she can stay in their garden, but they only rent their apartment, and I’m worried Boncuk will get settled and used to them and then the landlord kick her out. I wish she could come here, I wish I could just fly out and get her and bring her back, but realistically that’s not possible either. £750 to fly or drive her back, and then still the issue of finding her a home here. My parents won’t let her stay here, not a chance in hell, I’ve asked and begged several times. She’s an outside dog, hates being indoors and isn’t even toilet trained, so I’d need to be able to find, afford and rent a ground floor flat or house with a garden to keep her in. What are the chances of that? I need to put her first, but I’ve always been adamant we’ll do everything we can to keep her with us. She’s our dog, we found her, took her in and she trusts us. Never in a million years would I dump her on the street, and finding a new home would be heartbreaking for both her, and us. What do to?

Honestly, life at the moment is just one big mess. I don’t even have anything positive to say. I don’t know what to do, say, feel.

It’s 2.5 weeks until Berkay is here, but that too, is bittersweet. When I’ve published this post I’m off to book his flight back to Turkey for 19th April. He’s not even here yet and I’m already thinking about and dreading him going back.

For now, I’m taking it one day at a time. Making the most of this Sunday evening before the hell of M****y hits.
Have a good week everybody.

25 thoughts on “Worry, worry, worry…

  1. Oh darling girl. You really are down aren’t you. I can relate that. I have a long story to tell but basically I am here in the UK and my heart is in Adrasan, Turkey. I hope things work work for you both. X

  2. Hi danni I love reading your blogs and my heart goes out to you. I don’t know how you do it. I know how hard it is to be in turkey full time, winter is the worst for work, luckily here in Marmaris they take on a lot of jobs for parking control so my hubby is earning a good enough wage for the first time in a long time for winter. Have you not considered trying another place in turkey to live. I know easier said than done but their are more work opportunities in different places. I do wish you all the best in your future and hope you are with Berkay and boncuk soon x

  3. So sad danni I hope things pick up for you, love will find a way I hope, the rules on the 18.600 quid are pathetic I earn less than 9000 a year but manage.! Good luck for the future for you all boncuk included.keep your chin up and think that things can only get better xx

  4. Keep strong Danni, life doesn’t seem fair at times, and at the end of the day it’s like you are being punished for falling in love with someone who isn’t in the EU!! Really hoping it will all work out for you! X

  5. Hi Danni,I feel so sorry for you but alas have no real solution.I believe I read somewhere that in order to work as a rep in Turkey you had to have been in the uk for 6 months,is there any chance that one of the local hotels near Berkays would take you on as a childrens entertainer,just an idea or maybe save and go over for a few months and supplement Berkays income,perhaps for the summer .
    Hope you find a long time solution,I hate hearing how unhappy you are,sending you hugs x

  6. So that everything seems stacked against you and beekay. I’m sure if you had a Paypal account your blog readers would happily donate a small amount to help towards kennel fees for buncuk. I know I happily would and it would be at least one thing less for you two to worry about. Lx

  7. Oh Danni I really do feel for you,it’s painfully obvious that you are so unhappy here away from your little family,you have tried so hard to make it work for you back here and I’m sure I’m not alone when I say I admire you for trying,but the truth of the matter is that it’s just not working for you. I say follow your heart,you survived 2 n a half years in turkey,yes I know it was hard but you were together,it’s harder now and you are apart and unhappy,go back and survive again maybe things will change in turkey with regards to employment,I have been to calis 8 times now and have seen many English people working,how do they manage? No-one can tell you what you should or shouldn’t do only you can make that choice. As I’ve said in previous posts you only get one chance at living be happy and live your life.whatever you decide to do and keep writing your lovely posts you have a gift x x

  8. Oh Danni, so sorry for the situation you are in. It must be such a worry for you about Boncuk. Would you not consider going back to Turkey for at least the season. I know you can’t work but Berkay would be working and at least you would be together. If you then had to, could you not come back and work over the Xmas period and help fund Berkay through the winter. I know it’s far from ideal but I think you need to be with him as its the only way you will feel happy. Life is too short not to be with the person who means so much to you.

  9. danni book a flight back for yourself with berkay ,.,you are killing yourself in england ,many expats live in turkey and are always looking for someone to clean their houses .normal pay is 100 tl a day ,.set your self up ,if you could do this work ,might be berkay could start this buisness with you and leave the hotels ,and yous be working together ,i wish you well .but if i was you i would go back ,marry him and start your life ,inshalla

  10. Why not do some form of journalism course. You are a very talented blogger and writer. I think this is your talent. Think about it. You can work anywhere in the world on a Pc. Get fluent at the turkish and you never know what you might pick up over there. Chin up xxx

  11. You know exactly what I’m going to say Danni. Go back to Turkey to be with Berkay and Boncuk. You survived before and you will do so again. In any case the cost of his flights, and your flights this year going out to see them, could be put to better use. Save the money you would spend on flights and use it to supplement your living back in Turkey. No offence to you family but don’t listen to them. Advice they have given so far hasn’t exactly worked has it? It’s your life. You only get one crack at it. Stop wasting any more time on living a life you hate and get on a plane and go home xxx

  12. It would be better if you went back to Turkey and came back to the UK in winter and did temping. This way, you could help Berkay and Boncuk and be with them all summer. I think this is the only solution for now. xxxx

  13. The 18,600 rule is ridiculous I was looking into possibly taking my Ali to England but I have no chance of earning that much money, even when I came back the England for 3 months I worked in a call centre as they said that’s where the money is but the one I worked in I earned around 13,000 so where would the other money come from. You are right about circumstances what if that one person who earned 18,600 had loads of debt but someone earning less had non with plenty of money yo spare! That’s what should really matter but what they want from us is just messed up, anyway hun hope you’re ok, sending hugs for you and your little family, I understand the difficulties of having a dog as I have one too and I can’t imagine my life without her and both Ali and I have agreed that if we do ever get the opportunity to go to England then if she can’t come with us then we won’t go xxx

  14. Hi Danni – I am older than you and one thing I have learnt is that you can not buy time. As has been said above – why not go back for the summer then you can look after your dog and be with your bloke? It is much cheaper to live in Turkey than in the U.K. I used to have a job I hated as well – it is awful! You never know what tomorrow will bring. This is your life – you live it! Big hug xxx

  15. Have been reading the above comments with interest (including mine) lol,and have come to the conclusion that maybe you should seriously consider going back. As said in above post you did it for 2 n a half years,you CAN do it again. Go back for the summer and see what happens,I know it’s easy for your followers on here to say go back but you are not happy,flights are still cheap at the moment, take what money you have saved, stock up on what you need n go for it. In the immortal words of Keith Lemmon you know you want to. Lots of hugs for you x x

  16. I said it once before and I will say it again – GO BACK!! If the winter is hard for you there maybe it is a chanse that you can take a working holiday in England each winter and then bring the money back with you. That is what we are going to do from now as the winters are hard here in Turkey. I truly believe that you would be more happy if you packed your bags and went back to Turkey with your boyfriend now 🙂 And maybe you can try and get work as a guide or something?

  17. Twenty years from now, you will be more dissapointed by the things you didn’t do,
    than by the ones you did.
    So throw of the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour…..

    Mark Twain

  18. I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of months, and this one broke my heart!! I too was in a long distance relationship for over 5 years, it sucks, and never gets easier!! He is now my husband, and we’ve been together 14 years!

    I’ve read the comments, and I have to say hun, you really need to go back!! As others have suggested, go for Summer, come back for winter and work here!! How long can Berkay be in the UK in winter? Perhaps he can come too, so it’s not such a long 6 months?!

    I don’t know what the rules are around working on line in England but physically being in Turkey! You’re technically “Working” in England, as they’re British companies, paying GBP and as long as you register with them at your UK address, who’s to know you’re actually sunning it up in Turkey?! You might have to register as self employed so you can pay UK tax, but that’s no big deal!

    There’s lots of ways to earn money online (without even having to take your clothes off, lol!!) They pay you to your UK bank account or by PayPal, which you can transfer to your account, yes you have to pay a fee at the cash point, but it’s a small price to pay.

    Also, doing a job you hate just for the money will do nothing but make you miserable, stressed and over-weight!! I did it for 10 years, am now doing something I love, I couldn’t recommend it enough!!

    As the Mark Twain quote above says, it’s the things you DON’T do that will haunt you, and I can certainly confirm that to be true. I have never regretted anything I did, as much as I regret the thing I didn’t do!!

    You’re young (please don’t think I am trying to patronise you, I’m only about 9 years older than you, but have come through a lot, I can see now the mistakes I made, and wish desperately that I could go back and do them again, differently, but that’s the thing, I can’t turn back time, and now everyone expects me to be having babies and actually growing up, but all I want to do is live my 20s again, the way I should have!!) You have so much life ahead of you, but that life is RIGHT NOW, please don’t spend it doing things you hate (your job, missing your soul mate, missing your dog).

    Go there, be together with your family!!

  19. Oh hunni you just made me cry !! Every thing said above is true. Come home and be happy you might be broke but at least you will be with the 2 things that you love most and make you happy.. Big hugs

  20. I hope things balance out soon! Especially on the job front, I guess – it’s a shame you don’t have nicer coworkers. If I lived nearby I’d offer to look after Boncuk!

  21. I came over from Ayak’s blog and I think she and other followers have given you the best advice ever. Isn’t it better being miserable and penniless with the man you love better than being miserable on your own? Life is short, love is the only thing worth living for. You’ve done the “being sensible” bit to please others, now live your life, crazy decision or not you’ll work it through together, I’m sure.

  22. Hey Danni, big hugs. I know how crap this situation is – been there, done that. As everyone before me has said, you’ve just got to hold on to what’s most important to you, and do what you need to do to make it work. The £18.6k rules are bollocks. The government is bollocks. Let’s hope a more liberal, less populist/xenophobic government is elected next, and they change the rules back. Keep your chin up xxx

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