Yesterday was the day I’ve been dreading since he arrived, we had to take Berkay to the airport and wave him off on his flight back to Turkey.
We woke up early, had breakfast and got ready, then Berkay went into my little sister’s room to kiss her goodbye. She really loves having him here and he loves her too, so that was sad. He said bye to my stepmum, then me, Berkay, my dad and brother got in the car ready to go.
That 50 minute journey to the airport was the longest. It’s a horrible feeling knowing you’re time together is running out, and theres nothing you can do to stop it. I felt so out of control.
We got to the airport, checked him in and went upstairs for a hot chocolate in the coffee shop. At this point, as awful as it sounds, I just wanted it to be over, I wanted him to go through departures and be on the other side of the airport, so that I could stop thinking about the goodbye we’d be facing, so that I could stop the urge to burst into tears and the aching in my stomach.
At about 10.40 we got up and took the short walk to the security gates, he had to scan his boarding pass to be let through. He shook Dad and Toby’s hand first, then gave them a hug, then it was my turn. We had a cuddle and shed a tear, and then he went, he blew me a kiss from the other side of the gate and then went around the corner. That was it, the point of no return.
When I moved back from living in Turkey, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I had to physically walk through those airport security gates, I had to physically stand up and walk away from Berkay and my life there, this time it was his turn, once he went through to security, there was no way I could get to him and drag him back for another hug, it was over and done with, he’d gone and there was nothing I could do about it, in a weird way that made it easier… for me at least.
I’ve never been on the other side of those gates at Gatwick before, it’s usually always me going off to Turkey and leaving my parents standing crying at the other side. It’s a horrible feeling. I should be used to goodbye’s by now, the past 3 years has been full of them. Saying goodbye to my family when I first moved to Turkey was hard, then having to say goodbye all over again everytime they came to visit. It was easier as I had Berkay with me to reassure me and make me feel better. This time I felt alone, even though I had family with me, I don’t like to really show my emotions around them.
When we came back home yesterday, I hardly spoke to anyone, I spent the whole day and night in my room, only coming out for dinner. That’s not helping, I know, but I don’t know what else to do, I don’t want to sit in a room full of people. I’m grateful I have family here, of course, but it’s just not the same without Berkay. I live in a house full of people, but I feel alone.
I was talking to friends yesterday and said I felt like someone had died, that’s all I can describe it as. ‘How do you know, what do you have to compare it to?’ They said. I don’t (Thank God), but that’s what I imagine it feels like. Sure, I can still get hold of him via text, facebook or skype pretty much whenever I want, but the physical presence isn’t here anymore. 48 hours ago he was sitting next to me in bed watching a film, now there’s an empty space. His side of the bed is empty, he has clothes left in the wardrobe, slippers by the door that belong to him, yet he’s not here to wear them, one less place at the dinner table. I miss the small things, having someone for company on the train, having someone next to me on the bus, having someone with me at the shops, helping me chose what to buy, waiting for me when I come home from work. When Berkay was here, he used to give me his loose change for my coffee on the way to work, it’s the small, cute things like that that I miss. I miss being able to escape to my room and still have someone here for company, to watch a film with, to listen to music with, to talk to. It really is like half of me is missing.
Berkay is coming back in 11 weeks time, just in time for mums wedding and my birthday. Sure, it’s something to look forward to, but it seems so far away. Im dreading going to bed everynight alone, waking up to realise im still alone and having to face another whole day the same way. I guess it will be easier once I’m back at work and have other things to keep me occupied. I know I’m lucky that Berkay’s visa was granted, I know many who have children and young babies who haven’t seen their dad’s for months, or years, because visa’s were not issued. I’m very grateful that he has been to England 5 times now, I know we are very lucky and have great photos and memories of all his times here, but that still doesn’t make it any easier.
Berkay landed back safely in Antalya last night, after taking off an hour late, and got the late bus back to Fethiye. It was a long journey but he had a lovely welcome by our dog, Boncuk, when he got there. At least someone is happy to see him back!
I’m sick of the ‘goodbyes’ and ‘see you laters’, always having to say bye to somebody, always missing somebody, always having to chose between being with family or Berkay, having to chose between what my head says (stay here, earn money and work towards a better life) or what my heart says (sod it all and move back to Berkay). I dream of the day we can all be in the same place long term and not have to spend our days dreading the next one. I suppose I just want my ‘happily ever after’.
“Even when someone is miles away, always remember that we are under the same sky, looking at the same sun, moon, and stars”