Busy, Birthdays & Brad

Posted on April 13, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

I’ve been so busy I don’t have time to update here much! I had a 4 day working-week this week as it was my birthday on Friday so I took the day off!

Me and Berkay went to London for the day and had a really good time, I’ll be doing a big post about that tomorrow, hopefully, with lots of photos!

Today though, we spent the day at mums house. She picked us up this morning and bought us to her house where a pile of presents, birthday cake and a balloon were waiting for me! Can always rely on mum for birthday celebrations hehe. They got me some lovely presents, including this Frozen Dvd, box of Ferrero Rocher and bag of chocolates, which apparently were from her Shih Tzu, Brad, as we are currently dog-sitting him until tomorrow evening – Mum and her husband have gone to London for the night and tomorrow to cheer on runners at the Marathon!

Before they went out, we all went to Nandos this afternoon, surprisingly it’s only the second time Berkay has been there in the two and a half weeks he’s been here! It’s his favourite place. I was feeling pretty festive so wore my new Easter t-shirt, why not wear cute chickens on your clothes while tucking into some tasty Nandos chicken eh? 😉

After our Nandos we came back home and had birthday cake! Don’t ask why it’s Spongebob – mum saw it and thought of me as I’m a little strange haha Who doesn’t love spongebob? Minions are favourite thing but she couldn’t find a cake version of one of those- instead she bought these little sugar paper cake toppers and stuck them on some little cupcakes herself – how cute, I love them!!\

Mum’s wedding was 2 weeks ago today, but she picked up the photos from the photographer today so we spent some time this afternoon looking through those – they turned out really cute, I love the ones of me and Berkay.

The one of mum and Berkay makes me smile too – how cute is this? Real happy faces.

We’ve just spent the evening watching Britain’s got Talent, Frozen, eating chocolate and looking after Brad the dog. We’re just about to go off to bed, the dog is spoilt and usually always sleeps on it with me so it’ll be interesting to see how two people and a dog squish on the sofabed.. I’ll look forward to my 6am wake up call for his morning pee-walk.

As promised, I’ll be back tomorrow with the photos from London… and trust me there are hundreds. I also haven’t forgotten about my 100,000 views giveaway, I’m planning to do an update about that next week if I have time. I’m trying to make the most of the last 6 days I have with Berkay…

Goodnight all ❤

Reunited again!

Posted on March 31, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

Massive apologies for not updating sooner, I’ve had people message me asking if Berkay arrived safely, wondering where the airport photo was etc etc, but I’ve been SO busy I hadn’t had chance to reply!

Berkay did arrive safely on Wednesday evening ❤

He left at 4.15 pm Turkish time, but not before having a little goodbye cuddle with Boncuk!

Me, dad, my brother and sister all went off to Gatwick airport after I finished work. Berkay was due to arrive at 18:30 and landed 15minutes early, when we got there we sat and had a coffee while waiting for the arrivals board to change to ”baggage in hall” then that was our cue to head towards the arrival doors!

My little sister was so excited, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so crazy! In the car on the way there she was singing “we’re gonna get Berkay, we’re gonna get Berkay, we’re gonna get Berkay” to a little tune. So adorable! When we got to the airport she didn’t want to sit down with us, she kept saying to me “come on let’s go and get Berkay now yea? Come on Dan, let’s go and get Berkay!”

Just as we headed over to the arrival doors, he appeared through them with his suitcase. My little sister went over to him and gave him a cuddle, then wouldn’t let him put her down. Kept talking to him, telling him that it’s her birthday soon, that she’ll be 3 soon and that he can play with her presents with her, he had to sit with her in the middle of the car, open her car door..etc etc. He’s definitely her favourite person at the moment!

❤ ❤ ❤
Over 320 people liked this photo on Facebook, I’m amazed at the amount of people who care and have sent lovely messages or comments. Thanks to all.

After we had picked Berkay up, we headed home to pick up my step-mum and then we all went out for dinner – anyone who follows me on Facebook or is a regular reader of my blog will know that Berkay’s favourite place is Nandos…. so of course that is where we all went to eat! Yum!

He bought lots of Turkish goodies with him, bless him, he went out and got all my favourite things, one being this big face biscuit from Migros, something I always used to get on ‘market day’ when I lived there! He thought of my dad and grandad too and bought them back some Efes in his suitcase.

It’s been lovely having Berkay back, the only part I’m not enjoying is the snoring – sometimes I really feel like shoving a pillow on his head, it’s terrible, and it definitely takes some adjusting to having to share the bed with someone, we’re both used to starfishing and end up fighting for the duvet or having one leg hanging off the bed!

I was off work on Friday as I had last minute things to do, buying wedding and mother’s day presents for Mum and a birthday present for my little sister… and yesterday was the day of my Mum’s wedding so I’ll do a post about that soon. It’s back to work tomorrow… I still hate it as much as ever, but knowing Berkay is waiting for me when I come home makes everything that little bit more bearable!

7 more days…

Posted on March 20, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

So, it’s currently 10pm on Wednesday, which means that this time next week, providing there are no long delays, Berkay will have landed at Gatwick and we’ll be together once again! (:

I guess that’s a good thing about being apart, ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ and all that? Not entirely true, but being apart means that when we are together again its always new and exciting. There is no better feeling than waiting in the arrivals section of the airport as close to the doors as possible, watching as the doors slide open and waiting anxiously for their face to appear. Knowing that their imminent arrival means the months apart is about to be erased in that single split second moment when you’re reunited. When you’re waiting it feels like a lifetime, and when their face finally does appear through the doors, the feeling is indescribable.

I read a quote recently, ”Airports see more sincere kisses than wedding halls. The walls of hospitals have heard more prayers than the walls of churches.” How true is that? Has anyone seen that tv programme that was aired a few years ago? ”Hello, Goodbye” (Click HERE to read more about it, with a brilliant description of the other side of airports!) I loved that programme. A simple concept, cameras placed at the airport in arrivals and departures, filming couples, families and friends saying goodbye to their loved ones as they set off on a journey somewhere, or, the best part, filming when others have been reuined after long periods apart. Airports are emotional places, there’s no denying it. Most people see airports as exciting places, the minute they step foot in one their holiday begins. Its the first stepping stone to sitting on that beach, beer in hand and sun on your face… But for me it’s bittersweet, the excitement of arriving, and the heartbreak of leaving again. When I moved to Turkey it was always exciting coming back to England, seeing family, then there were always tears from everyone when we left again, and now obviously it’s the same, only Berkay is the one coming and going. I’m not one to show my emotions in public, rarely cry in front of other people, yet the airport is always the one place that gets me.

For now, I’m just looking forward to 18.35 next Wednesday when Berkay will once again land on English soil (: 7 more sleeps and counting.

I hope to update my blog a lot more when Berkay is here, and I’d like to do something special when I reach 100,000 views, if anyone has any ideas? Perhaps another giveaway, something better?
I’d also like to say a massive thanks to everyone commenting or sending me facebook messages after reading my blog posts. I know I’m terrible at replying, I just don’t have time at the moment. But I read every single one, and welcome and appreciate all comments. I promise to reply in the next few days. ❤

Calis changes, dog walks & the canal..

Posted on March 2, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

On his day off Berkay likes to go walking through Calis.

He took Boncuk with him and went for a long walk up a hill with a beautiful view from the top (click here to see my old post with photos of the view!) We used to take her for a walk everyday and more often than not ended up walking to the top of this hill, we always had it to ourselves which meant Boncuk could run free off the lead safely, with no cars, people or other animals nearby. She loves to sit up there and have cuddles, look down over Calis or just play fetch. It’s so peaceful there.

On the way back to the hotel they stay in, they took the road that goes past our old apartment (the top floor)… This apartment is nothing special, in fact it was pretty poor, and only 350tl a month, the equivalent of around £100 (which was still half of Berkay’s entire income!) .. but it was ours. It still makes me sad imagining other people in our house, cooking in our kitchen, sleeping in our room, sitting on our balcony… I try not to think about it too much, because when I do it just upsets me.
Click here for an old post with more photos of inside the apartment.

Anyway, after they got back to the hotel, Berkay left Boncuk and carried on walking to the investigate the new-look canal. I’ve mentioned in a previous post about the changes they are doing, but I really can’t believe how different it looks.
Here’s a photo of the canal (left) taken a year ago, and the new, wider, cleaner canal with no plants (right) taken last week, both photos taken in the exact same place.

The changes they’re making are all for the better, it’s going to look like a different place when I go back!

Saklikent gorge

Posted on February 11, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

Sometimes when abroad, it’s nice to stray away from the beach and pool for a few hours and see some of the natural beauty of the country you’re visiting.

If you’re in the Fethiye or Kalkan/Patara area, a visit to Sakilikent gorge is the perfect opportunity to do just that.

The gorge is about an hour from Fethiye, easily accessible by car or by one of the many tourist buses/jeep safari’s that go there. We’ve been twice and loved it, although it can be a little scary..the first time we went with my mum, who didn’t enjoy the experience in the slightest.

The gorge is 300m deep and 18km long, one of the deepest in the world, but only 4km of it is walkable. You can only enter it in the summer, between April and October, as in the winter, all the snow from the mountains means the flow of water is too strong, too deep and too dangerous.

When you first arrive, you have to pay an entrance fee, last year it was around 5tl, but it can change each year. Before you enter, make sure anything you have is secure and made waterproof… cameras, phones, cigarettes, keys.. whatever you have in your pockets will get wet. It’s also wise to bring a paif of sea shoes with you, or you can hire some jelly shoes from a stall opposite the entrance, DO NOT wear flip flops or shoes that fall off, because they can and they will. The amount of solitary shoes we saw flowing down the gorge was amusing…

A solitary flip flip belonging to someone very unfortunate..

Once you’ve paid the fee and have entered, you’re greeted with a very old, unsturdy looking bridge, complete with missing pieces and dodgy nails, high up over deep, fast flowing water…crossing this bridge is the easiest part!

The old bridge suspended above the water is the only way to enter the gorge.

Once you’ve crossed that, you get a seating area, benches, trees, a small cafe and very pretty looking rocks with the water flowing over them. The sound of the water is impressive! A lot of people only enter the gorge to sit here, because it is so beautiful and cool. The water is freezing, the spray it creates is cooling and the trees provide a lot of shade, its a welcome relief to the 40+ degree temperatures outside!

If you are feeling adventurous, you can carefully make your way down the rocks to the main section of the gorge, but in order to get to the the other side and start the 4km walk, you have to cross the main fast flowing section of water. This is the difficult part, and it’s terrifying! The water is often waist height, and is so fast and so powerful. It’s also freezing… literally if it was any colder it would be ice. There is a rope attached to the rocks either side which you cling on to in order to cross, but its still difficult, definitely not recommended for older people or children, although I have seen some who managed to cross, I’ve also heard horror stories from people who haven’t been so lucky..

Us clinging on for dear life to cross the river.

Once you’ve managed to get across, hopefully without loosing a shoe, camera or your pants in the process, it becomes a more pleasant experience…temporarily. The water the other side varies in depth, but for the first km or so, it’s only ankle deep. The water is cloudy and the bed is slippery and covered in obstacles like rocks, hidden by the cloudy water. It’s advised to stay a foot behind someone in front of you, if they trip over or fall down a hole, you know to avoid that part 😉 There really is no other way of knowing..

The gorge is beautiful and impressive. In some areas there are rocks suspended above your head only by another rock.. If this gorge was in England you’d have to wear hard safety hats, straps and goodness knows what else. At the end of the 4km apparently there is a waterfall, although we’ve never made it that far, as the further in you get, the more difficult it is. There are big boulders to climb and manovue around, big dips down, steep steps up and fast flowing water knocking you off your feet. I dont know anyone who has managed to come away without at least one bruise! It really is much more fun than I’m making it sound though, the natural beauty of it all is amazing. If you have a waterproof camera, definitely take it, there are some fabulous photo’s to be taken!

Once you’ve had enough and have turned around and made the long walk back to the entrance, you step back outside and the heat hits you again, suddenly the freezing cold water doesn’t seem so bad! You can talk a slow stoll around the shops, market stalls, icecream stands etc around the riverside. On one side there is a lovely cafe/restaurant which has wooden platforms suspended over the river where you can sit and relax with an Efes or icecream to recover. There are hammocks to sit in, and pillows to sit back on. The cafe we went to had a great open buffet with trout fish or chicken and endless amounts of traditional Turkish food to chose from. Delicious and very relaxing!

It’s a very different and fun, if sometimes slightly painful, day out! 🙂

How did our cheesy, love story begin?

Posted on February 9, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

I’ve mentioned before that our relationship started as the very typical, cheesy, holiday romance story that everyone is so quick to judge, but I’ve never really gone into much detail about how we met, so here it goes!

In July 2010, me and one of my best friends decided to go on holiday, we trusted my Dad to choose the destination, and he chose Calis Beach, Fethiye. We went in July for a week, after we’d finished our A-level exams and had just left college. I was 18 years old…

The hotel we stayed in, who would have thought back then, that I’d eventually be living around the corner to here, walking past it and waving Berkay off to work there everyday for 2 years..

It started off as a normal girly holiday… until roses kept appearing on my sunbed, and outside my room door. (I can see you rolling your eyes…I told you it was a cheesy story!!) I ignored them at first, but eventually realised it was one of the waiters doing it.. you guessed it, this particular waiter was Berkay!

The view from our balcony and the pool, where a lot of time was spent spying on Berkay with my friend 😉

We hardly spoke, actually he could hardly speak English … (I can see you rolling your eyes again!) … on the last night of our holiday, he got his friend to write a note to me saying ‘Do you want to go out for a walk with me’. Going against my mum, dad and everyone else’s advice of ‘don’t go off with anyone on your own’, and risking loosing the friendship I had with my friend by leaving her alone in the hotel on the last night… I went. We went for a walk along the beach and ended up staying there until 5am, just walking back and forth. Luckily, Berkay wasn’t dangerous, and my best friend forgave me for abandoning her. I wouldn’t advise anyone to go off alone like I did though just for the record, I went against my better judgement but thank goodness I did, otherwise I probably wouldn’t have ever seen Berkay again or be who I am today…

This was the first and only photo we had together from July 2010..

The time came to go home, and of course I was devastated, we swapped numbers, msn addresses & facebook ‘friended’ each other, but honestly I didn’t expect to hear from him again, everyone knows the reputation Turkish guys have… Oh how wrong I was, even before I had got to the airport I had a text, and a couple more awaited me when I landed back in the UK.

We spoke everynight on MSN without fail, every night after his work had finished, Berkay would walk to the internet cafe and we’d talk to 3-4am. My family all thought I was crazy of course, and hoped it was all just a holiday romance.

The good old days, back in 2010 when we’d speak to each other on MSN all night, every night.

I decided I wanted to go back and visit Berkay, alone this time, and my parents very, very, very reluctantly agreed. I had strict instructions to keep in contact 24/7 and obviously they knew the hotel address I was staying in.. So, in October 2010 I went back to Turkey for a week, this time we stayed together in Remer Hotel. Although I already knew Berkay well from speaking on MSN everyday, this was our first real chance to get to know each other in person. He had learnt English really quickly, and was pretty fluent by then. I have to add, going abroad alone, flying alone, to meet someone I’d hardly spent time with in person, is very out of character for me, I’m the shyest person I know, people who have met me will probably agree.. I have no idea what came over me.. love makes you do funny things I guess! We had a great week together and done the typical tourist things, we visisted Oludeniz and done a few boat trips, including one in the pouring rain and wind, it was freezing. The most memorable thing from this whole holiday was how we both went in the hotel swimming pool in the cold, stormy rain, and had everyone looking out of their balconys cheering us on, like I said, love makes you do crazy things!

Some of the photos we took together in October 2010.

In January 2011, I decided to visit Berkay again, and did so for a week. This time I felt confident enough to stay in an apartment he was renting in the winter, instead of booking a hotel. The apartment was really bad, it certainly opened up my eyes. I also had a funny Turkish experience on the way to Fethiye from Antalya airport.. Berkay and his friend came to pick me up in his friend’s old banger car.. the fuel gauge was broken and the car kept running out of petrol…the journey should have taken 3.5 hours but ended up taking twice as long. We had another great week together, I met his friends, experienced my first ‘Turkish Picnic’ and enjoyed seeing Turkey outside of the tourist season. Saying bye to Berkay when the time came to go home this time was the hardest, I guess that’s when I knew the only option was to move to Turkey.

A couple of photos from January 2011, this was the turning point when I knew I wanted to move to Turkey.

I can’t remember how the conversation went, but I must’ve told my parents I wanted to move to Turkey, I can’t even remember their reaction, but reluctantly again, they agreed. Neither of them had ever met Berkay, none of my family had, so Mum and her partner at the time, came with me for a week when I made the big move. It was a big decision, one made so much harder as it meant leaving my 3 week old baby sister behind. On the 26th April 2011, I left the UK, packed my life into a suitcase, and moved to Turkey. Whilst there, we had a bad experience which left mum’s partner in hospital for 3 days, this turned out to be a blessing in disguise, as it gave Berkay a chance to prove to her how loving, kind and caring he was. He helped them so much over those few days, that she felt confident enough leaving me with him when they returned to the UK a week later.

April 2011

This is a personal favourite photo. Taken in the first few days after I moved to Turkey, me looking out to sea at Oludeniz. It reminds me how I’d entered the big wide world away from parents and the comforts of home, which were thousands of miles, and oceans away.

Berkay found us an apartment, which until September 2013, we called home. I feel like we proved everyone wrong, it’s not the typical Turkish boy/English girl story. He has now met all of my family, visited the UK 5 times, and is now as much a part of my family as the rest of us, they all love him.

The rest of my story is documented on this blog, from my last few days in Turkey, to the reasons I moved back to the UK, the difficulties to adapting to life back here, the joy at being reunited, and the sadness at being apart again..

Those were the first 3 years, lets hope there are many more to come… I will carry on blogging through all of them.
To be continued… ❤

Catching up with Berkay & Boncuk..

Posted on January 26, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

It’s been 3 weeks tomorrow since Berkay went back to Turkey, but it seems like so much longer. The day after he returned he found a job, but quit after a week or so because he was only earning £6.40 a day for 13-15 hours work and he was getting frustrated as the greedy boss was taking all of Berkay’s tips off him. When you’re earning so little, tips make all the difference, it could double his wages.

He’s been walking around all the hotels in Calis and in Fethiye trying to find work, but no luck as of yet, nobody needs staff in winter as most of the hotels are closed, and the ones that remain open are quiet enough that they do not need to employ any new people. All I can say is that it is a good job I’m not there this winter as we wouldn’t survive, no way could we find enough money to even pay rent, without even thinking about bills, food and other costs. Berkay is struggling himself, relying on friends to make him dinner and bring him food as he has zero money himself. It’s difficult for people here to understand, my Dad was moaning because I paid for Berkay’s upcoming flight to the UK in March and he thinks he should be paying for it himself, when that’s not even an option. If I don’t pay, I won’t see him, simple. Sure, at the moment Berkay doesn’t have to pay rent or electric bills, but phone, food and general day to day costs, buses, water, dog food… It all adds up, and earning £6.40 a day for a week hardly gave him an opportunity to save. He is doing his best to find work though, and is waiting for one hotel to call him back, it sounded promising!

I’ve got a feeling this summer will be hard too, with the strength of the lira weakening meaning prices in tourist resorts will increase, while wages most definitely will not.

Anyway, the time off work means Berkay has been spending a lot more time with Boncuk, and has been taking her for nice winter walks along the beach, he managed to get food for her on a ‘pay later’ promise, so she’s well fed and happy. She loves staying in the hotel and being free to roam around while its closed, we are unsure where she will be able to stay in Summer though. She’s due her yearly booster vaccinations now, so Berkay is trying to get that sorted too, luckily he has a friend who knows a vet, so no doubt they’ll be on a ‘pay later’ promise too. Getting into debt for Boncuk is worth it, of course. (:

This dog is Boncuk’s friend. It lives near the hotel and comes to the fence to say hello to her, Berkay let it into the hotel grounds today and let them have a little play off the lead together. Bless.
Berkay has also been spending a lot of time with friends, they often go fishing together hoping to catch some dinner! They are a lovely couple, we often went for BBQ’s together when I lived there, I have done a few posts involving them in the past. Their little boy, Çınar , is over a year old now, bless him. Berkay took this little monster dressing gown back for him from the UK after Christmas. Seeing how big he has got really makes me realise how much things are changing and how long I’ve been away. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I lived there, sometimes it seems like forever.

Back to the Village..

Posted on January 12, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

Berkay received a call from his brother a few days ago to tell him that his step-mum was ill, so he got on the next coach to his hometown of Beyağaç, Denizli to visit.

Fethiye to Denizli is a 5 hour bus ride, and then it’s a futher 1 and a half hours on a small dolmus from Denizli to the very remote town of Beyağaç, which has a population of less than 7000.

It’s a very traditional Turkish town, it is not at all modernised. Berkay’s family live in a small ground level house, it’s very basic, no luxuries, they don’t even have beds, just floor cushions. They have farmland and own 19 cows, 23 sheep and lots of chickens, which they keep for milk, cheese, eggs and meat. It is a very different way of life to what I am used to.

Some of the youngest cows are only a few days old, so cute. The photo on the left is Berkay’s step-mum, who is thankfully feeling much better now. .I love this photo on the right, who has a baby cow sitting in their garden beside their motorbike? Berkay’s family do 🙂

I have visited the village twice, and absolutely hated it. The main reason is because of just how traditional they are, and how alien I am to them, as a ‘ yabancı’ (foreigner). Both times we visited I wore modest clothes, jeans or a skirt with long leggings, socks, and a top that covered my shoulders, boobs and belly, yet I still looked like an outcast because quite literally every single other person was wearing ‘village pants’ .. the typical flowery type, and headscarves. Whereas people in Fethiye are normally mistaking me for a native Turk due to my skin colour, the people in Beyağaç were staring at me as if I had two heads, and they weren’t shy about it, I felt like I was in a zoo cage with hundreds of people staring and giggling at me. Another thing I found very difficult to cope with was the way the men and women were so segregated. Within the house, the roles of men and women were clearly defined. men outside sitting at tables smoking, women inside preparing food and cay. There was no mixing or conversation between men and women, they weren’t even allowed to sit in the same room. This was really horrible for me, as I couldn’t understand nor speak Turkish, and I was sat in a room full of people who couldn’t communicate with me either, add this to the staring they were doing and I became very paranoid!

Berkay rarely visits his family as he had a tough childhood and as a result, isn’t close to any of them. Berkay’s real mother left him when he was 28days old and moved elsewhere with his dad, temporarily, then they moved back to Denizli and had his brother. His mum then, again, abandoned his brother and left his dad. Berkay was being bought up by his grandparents, whom he adored. When his grandad sadly died, Berkay had to move back to his dad. His dad then remarried and had another son. When Berkay was just 15, his dad sent him away to Fethiye to attend school. He sent him with no food, no money, nothing. Berkay lived on the streets for a while until he met someone who took him in. He attended school and got a job, the money from which was all sent back to his dad. One month Berkay kept the money to pay bills, and his dad made the 6 hour journey to Fethiye to attack him and get the money for himself. Needless to say, their relationship does not exist now. They never speak and only see each other if there is a family death or special occasion. Berkay is quite close to his brothers still, but he is definitely the ‘black sheep’ of the family.

How someone can go through such a tough childhood and still be such a caring, kind, loving person I don’t know.

Anyway, thankfully Berkay’s step-mum is well again, and he is already back in Fethiye now. When he told me he was going to visit, I asked him to take tons of photos, so I could share how different his hometown is, he seems to have only taken photos of the animals, he knows I’m a sucker for animals! (:

Saying Goodbye..

Posted on January 6, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

Yesterday was the day I’ve been dreading since he arrived, we had to take Berkay to the airport and wave him off on his flight back to Turkey.

We woke up early, had breakfast and got ready, then Berkay went into my little sister’s room to kiss her goodbye. She really loves having him here and he loves her too, so that was sad. He said bye to my stepmum, then me, Berkay, my dad and brother got in the car ready to go.

That 50 minute journey to the airport was the longest. It’s a horrible feeling knowing you’re time together is running out, and theres nothing you can do to stop it. I felt so out of control.

We got to the airport, checked him in and went upstairs for a hot chocolate in the coffee shop. At this point, as awful as it sounds, I just wanted it to be over, I wanted him to go through departures and be on the other side of the airport, so that I could stop thinking about the goodbye we’d be facing, so that I could stop the urge to burst into tears and the aching in my stomach.

At about 10.40 we got up and took the short walk to the security gates, he had to scan his boarding pass to be let through. He shook Dad and Toby’s hand first, then gave them a hug, then it was my turn. We had a cuddle and shed a tear, and then he went, he blew me a kiss from the other side of the gate and then went around the corner. That was it, the point of no return.

When I moved back from living in Turkey, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I had to physically walk through those airport security gates, I had to physically stand up and walk away from Berkay and my life there, this time it was his turn, once he went through to security, there was no way I could get to him and drag him back for another hug, it was over and done with, he’d gone and there was nothing I could do about it, in a weird way that made it easier… for me at least.

I’ve never been on the other side of those gates at Gatwick before, it’s usually always me going off to Turkey and leaving my parents standing crying at the other side. It’s a horrible feeling. I should be used to goodbye’s by now, the past 3 years has been full of them. Saying goodbye to my family when I first moved to Turkey was hard, then having to say goodbye all over again everytime they came to visit. It was easier as I had Berkay with me to reassure me and make me feel better. This time I felt alone, even though I had family with me, I don’t like to really show my emotions around them.

When we came back home yesterday, I hardly spoke to anyone, I spent the whole day and night in my room, only coming out for dinner. That’s not helping, I know, but I don’t know what else to do, I don’t want to sit in a room full of people. I’m grateful I have family here, of course, but it’s just not the same without Berkay. I live in a house full of people, but I feel alone.

I was talking to friends yesterday and said I felt like someone had died, that’s all I can describe it as. ‘How do you know, what do you have to compare it to?’ They said. I don’t (Thank God), but that’s what I imagine it feels like. Sure, I can still get hold of him via text, facebook or skype pretty much whenever I want, but the physical presence isn’t here anymore. 48 hours ago he was sitting next to me in bed watching a film, now there’s an empty space. His side of the bed is empty, he has clothes left in the wardrobe, slippers by the door that belong to him, yet he’s not here to wear them, one less place at the dinner table. I miss the small things, having someone for company on the train, having someone next to me on the bus, having someone with me at the shops, helping me chose what to buy, waiting for me when I come home from work. When Berkay was here, he used to give me his loose change for my coffee on the way to work, it’s the small, cute things like that that I miss. I miss being able to escape to my room and still have someone here for company, to watch a film with, to listen to music with, to talk to. It really is like half of me is missing.

Berkay is coming back in 11 weeks time, just in time for mums wedding and my birthday. Sure, it’s something to look forward to, but it seems so far away. Im dreading going to bed everynight alone, waking up to realise im still alone and having to face another whole day the same way. I guess it will be easier once I’m back at work and have other things to keep me occupied. I know I’m lucky that Berkay’s visa was granted, I know many who have children and young babies who haven’t seen their dad’s for months, or years, because visa’s were not issued. I’m very grateful that he has been to England 5 times now, I know we are very lucky and have great photos and memories of all his times here, but that still doesn’t make it any easier.

Berkay landed back safely in Antalya last night, after taking off an hour late, and got the late bus back to Fethiye. It was a long journey but he had a lovely welcome by our dog, Boncuk, when he got there. At least someone is happy to see him back!

I’m sick of the ‘goodbyes’ and ‘see you laters’, always having to say bye to somebody, always missing somebody, always having to chose between being with family or Berkay, having to chose between what my head says (stay here, earn money and work towards a better life) or what my heart says (sod it all and move back to Berkay). I dream of the day we can all be in the same place long term and not have to spend our days dreading the next one. I suppose I just want my ‘happily ever after’.

“Even when someone is miles away, always remember that we are under the same sky, looking at the same sun, moon, and stars”

New Year’s Eve

Posted on January 6, 2014 by livingtheturkishdream

While most people spent New Years in the warm at parties or celebrating with friends and family, me and Berkay decided to go up to London and watch the fireworks..

First we took a detour to the O2, where we had lunch at Chiquitos, I booked in advance thinking it would be busy, but we were the only ones in there when we arrived at 2pm, perhaps everyone was preparing themselves for the night ahead. We had a lovely meal, with nachos to start, then Berkay had a half chicken with piri piri sauce, and I had the piri piri chicken fajitas. ~~Well, if you can’t have actual Nandos, you might as well order the closest thing possible, right?~~

After lunch we headed straight to Westminster station on the train, we got there around 5pm. Everyone had warned us to get there early in order to get a good spot, we wanted to be facing the London Eye directly from Embankment, and not on one of the bridges like we had 2 years ago. It was a good job we got there when we did, as there were already people sitting down along the whole length of the barriers, apparently some had been there since 11.30am, crazy. We found a good spot almost centre of the London Eye, and there were only 4 people in front of us, so we had a good view.

We sat on our little fold up chairs and ate our snacks. For 7 hours. I still can’t quite believe we just sat there waiting for 7 hours, literally just staring at the London Eye praying the time would go fast, every dong of Big Ben we breathed a sigh of relief that another hour was over! We didn’t bring anything to amuse ourselves, we had no mobile or internet signal on our phones, and were very very bored. A few little arguments broke out over people pushing in and others complaining about being pushed and shoved, that amused us a little at least, it’s good to be nosey, or ‘people-watch’ as my mum calls it.

We were pretty cold, but thank goodness the rain held off til about 11.45pm. Everyone was too excited by then for the rain to bother them. We couldn’t move out of our spot for the entire 7 hours either, so no toilet breaks for us!

Finally at midnight, Big Ben struck and the fireworks started. They were really impressive. We had been told beforehand they were ‘multi-sensory’, each of us had a special wristband that lit up and changed colour in time to the music and fireworks, and fruit smelling spray, mist, bubbles and confetti were blown out by huge canisters, when the fireworks were red we could smell strawberry, when they were orange, we could smell orange, etc. It was definitely different! They lasted over 10 minutes and the sky was completely lit up, beautiful!

Trying to make our way back to the train station after the fireworks wasn’t so fun, hundreds of thousands of people all pushing and shoving, drunk people falling over, smashed glasses and bottles lining the streets, it was a real obstacle course, made all the worse by the rain making everywhere slippery. We followed the crowd of people and ended up in Trafalgar square, which wasn’t where we needed to be… but 4 somewhat helpful policemen later we eventually got there and boarded the packed train. By this point we were half asleep, freezing, busting for a wee and achey, but it was all part of the fun.

Not a drop of alcohol was consumed but we still had a fab time and got some great photos. Can’t say that I fancy waiting another 7.5 hours next year though, the fireworks were amazing and so much better in person, but not sure they are really worth all that waiting around!