The price we pay for the decisions we make…

“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.”

A few weeks ago I saw this quote pop up on my Facebook news feed. I read it and got goosebumps. It manages to take all of my feelings and squish them into two little sentences.

I have never read words more true. I am never going to feel truely at home no matter where I am, because a part of me will always be elsewhere, always be missing someone, something, wondering what is going on in the other place.

Despite how I make it sound, the decision to go back to Turkey was not an easy one. Of course I’m happy there with Berkay and Boncuk, and everything there feels like ‘home’ to me – the food, the way of life, the weird little quirks, but no matter how happy I am there, I am always wondering what the people I leave behind back home are doing, wondering what my family and friends are doing, how they are etc etc, of course their lives move on while I’m not here, and when I do come back to visit, or to live, it’s always hard to fit back in because so much has changed. When I’m back here in England and trying to fit in, all I can think about is my life in Turkey, and what I’m missing there, how much things there are changing, what Berkay’s doing, worrying how my dog is, wanting to just go out and have a little BBQ with our Turkish friends. It’s a vicious circle. It’s almost like ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’ – no matter where you are, there’s a part of you wanting something from ‘the other side’  as it’s inevitable there will always be something missing.

Some say it’s my own fault for choosing this life, for choosing to fall in love with a Turkish person instead of someone who lives around the corner from me. It’s true – this lifestyle is one that I have decided to follow, and I shall forever pay the price for that.

Do I regret it though? Absolutely not. I’m lucky to have two places I feel connected to, yet divided between. I just wish there was a way to merge them all into one cute, fluffy ball of happiness.

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5 comments

  1. Hey Danni,you’re only human and the feelings that you’re experiencing are natural. No matter where any of us are and however we live our lives there’s always something or someone we miss like crazy. There’s no happy medium unfortunately,all any of us can do is live our lives to the best of our ability. Live is never easy we just have to get on with it and hope for the best lol. Oh my goodness my daughter has told me she’s seen your pics of your lil sis and her new haircut oops sorry it made me smile.
    I’m so excited for you going back to calis bet you can’t wait x

  2. Oh so very true , now i understand

  3. How lucky are we to have experienced two lives. I know how you feel. I know what it is like to wonder about others. I was just the same Danni. When things have a big change at home (UK) you want to be here, for me it was the arrival of a grand daughter. For you a little sister. Some of us are stronger than others and cope easily with the separations, they make to with Skype and emails. When you fall in love you manage with these because you have to. I think falling in love with a man from another non EU country you will always have a problem of sorts, it’s life. I think you are coping just fine. Take your new life as it comes, don’t plan too much. None of us know what is around the corner and what we have in store for us, thank God we don’t. I think you are making the right choice for you and Berkay. Just live your life Danni and be happy as I know you will be and so will a little doggie be. Good luck to you x x

  4. Linda Kaya · · Reply

    I recognise those feelings only too well because I was the same for a couple of years after I moved here. However, one day I woke up and it hit me that I was home. Of course I miss family in the UK but when I go back to visit them, I enjoy my time there, but I’m always anxious to get home again. It’s a transition period, and you have to go through it, but you will come out the other side. At some point only you will realise where home actually is for you, be it Turkey or England. Just stop thinking about it and let it happen.

  5. Samantha M · · Reply

    I think thats good advice Linda to stop thinking about it and let it happen. Im currently trying to figure out what to do and the thinking is what drives people insane. İve been in Turkey for 2 years. Just lost my job and now trying to decide whether to find one here or go back home. Boyfriend is in military until Feb.

    But we are lucky. We left behind everything we knew and made a life for ourselves someone new. I dont think many people back home would be able to do that. So that feeling of being torn between two places should really be something we are proud of!!

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