This time last year I had just landed in England after packing up two years of my life and removing all traces of myself from my house here in Turkey. That was the worst day of my life so far, without question.

I remember crying from the minute I walked out of my front door, said goodbye to my dog and got in the car, to the moment I went through passport control at the airport, and then again regularly during the flight, especially when taking off and seeing Turkey, Berkay and Boncuk getting further and further away from me through the plane window. Actually thinking about it now still makes me want to burst into tears!

People normally look back and say ‘look how far we’ve come in the past year’, for me I’m still stuck in the same place. I stuck it out in England for 8 months working and decided to give it up to move back here for the summer, it’s nearly October now and I’m facing packing up and leaving my home, dog and Berkay all over again. I’m hoping it will be easier second time around but somehow I think that’s just unrealistic, wishful thinking.

Even though I’m still stuck in the same place and haven’t moved on at all in the past year, I don’t regret coming back here, even if it means another stupid goodbye… if anything, I regret getting on that plane a year ago, I wish I’d just stayed here for another year instead.

Alas, I am in the same situation, in a month or two I’m going to have to get on the plane again and watch as the things I love get further and further away until they’re just little blurry lights on the ground, tiny dots in a big, big world. It’s something I think about every single day. Everyday I’ll be doing something and catch myself thinking ‘maybe it’s the last time’. Maybe it’s the last time I’ll go to that shop, maybe it’s the last time we’ll eat a certain food, maybe it’s the last time we’ll go to a certain place. It feels like a never ending list of ‘lasts’. It’s awful, it’s constantly in my mind that I’ll be leaving here again one day very soon, a constant, dull, nagging in my brain driving me crazy, but I can’t do anything about it.

Berkay has yet to do his national service for the Turkish army. While we were shopping in Fethiye last week, we walked past the military office, while I went to Migros to buy bread, Berkay went in to enlist for the army. It’s something that is so casual here, it’s mindblowing to me! Every Turkish male has to do national service, it’s a part of their culture, I think Berkay is actually quite excited to go, it bothered him quite a lot that his younger brother completed his service a long time before him. It’s a very important milestone for most Turkish men, I suppose it links back to the pride they have in their country and their flag, they are very patriotic. Anyway, he enlisted and will be going away at the beginning of February 2015. He has to go for a year, a whole 12 months, although I believe he is entitled to a few weeks leave. Depending on where he’s based he should know far enough in advance that I will be able to book time off work to go out and visit him, and obviously I’ll be booking a flight out at the end of January to say bye too.

I really do not know how we’ll cope not being able to talk to each other daily, depending on where he is based he may be able to call me often, but we’re used to seeing each other everyday. Even during the months we were apart, we saw each other everyday on Facetime, skype or via good old MSN webcam in the ‘old’ days. We normally send each other hundreds of Facebook messages each day, ‘I’m awake now, just going to have a shower’ – ‘I’m just waiting for the train’ – ‘I’m in work, what you doing?’ etc, every single day, even while in the same country!! It will be so weird going about my day and not writing Facebook messages to him, of course he won’t have any internet access. I’ll probably still write long old messages to him when I need a rant to someone, but it will be like talking to myself, there will be nobody to answer, nobody to share my day with.

Anyway, the current plan is to leave Turkey in November sometime to find a job, earn and save as much money as possible. I wanted to stay longer and go back just before he goes to the army in February, but we’ll be homeless as we won’t be able to afford rent for our home here in Fethiye as Berkay won’t have a job after mid-end October. If he finds work here in Fethiye for the winter he’ll probably stay under the hotel grounds (even though it’s closed) as he did last year, and if he doesn’t, he’ll head to his village and hopefully find work there and be able to save for 2 months so that he can have some money saved before going to the army, for days off or leave. As for our dog Boncuk, I know I have a lot of concerned readers always asking about her, she’ll be staying with Berkay’s family in his village too, unless I can find her a ‘foster’ home with someone I trust here for a year, but that’s not likely. We won’t abandon her, we want her back as soon as Berkay is out, don’t worry!

I hope to earn as much as possible by the time Berkay has completed his year’s service, and if my income meets the visa requirements, great, if not, that’s fine too, I’ll come back here instead. I’m sick of waiting for our lives to begin, once the army is done that will be a huge weight lifted, I feel like we’re constantly waiting at the moment, we can’t move forward with our lives til that’s out of the way, and once it is, I don’t care which country we’re in, as long as there’s no more waiting involved. People say ‘you’re only young, you’ve got you’re whole lives ahead of you’, which may be true, but it also may not, one of us could drop down dead tomorrow, nobody knows, life is a funny old thing, and if all this long distance, army issues and constant goodbyes has taught me anything, it’s to live everyday to the fullest and enjoy every precious moment!

Wow, what a depressing post this is eh? I haven’t written a personal, ‘thoughts and feelings’ post for a long time, normal, happy, touristy, summery photo posts shall resume shortly, I promise.

Thanks for listening/reading. (: ❤