Struggling through Army life..

“It’s about who you miss at 2pm when you’re busy, not at 2am when you’re lonely” – I saw this quote recently and thought how true it was.

We might be half way through the army but instead of getting easier it only seems to be getting harder, and more stressful.

Its been over 4 months since I last saw Berkay, which is the longest we’ve ever not seen each other  since we met – even before I lived in Turkey we saw each other every 3 months. People say to keep busy to take your mind off it, but that doesn’t really work, does it? Out of sight doesn’t mean out of mind, and as the quote above says, it’s not about missing someone at 2am when you’re lonely and bored – it’s about who you’re missing during the day when you’re surrounded by company and are busy. Little things where you think ‘I wish they were here to see this’. I went camping with my mum last week and really enjoyed it but the whole time I was thinking how much Berkay would have loved this or that and wishing he was there..

He was supposed to have holiday booked for the beginning of October, but it’s now not certain whether he’ll get the leave or not due to the rising tensions in Turkey… Some of his fellow national-service men had holiday booked for last week and got called to go back to base early, so it’s really impossible to make any plans or book flights for me to go and visit since the dates are so uncertain. I’m still hoping to go if he can get holiday, but if it’s too short notice I won’t be able to get time off work (if I’m still working there as that too, is uncertain since it was a temporary contract).  It’s very frustrating not being able to make solid plans, anyone who knows me knows how much I need plans to stick to, I hate not knowing.

Now is a pretty scary time to be doing national service or serving any kind of time in the army. It’s a fairly safe country, just like any other, but in the last few weeks there have been a few incidents where Turkish soliders have died through terrorist attacks from the PKK, and with the events going on in Syria, the border between that and Turkey is a fairly scary place to be right now too , I expect. A lot of Berkay’s army friends have been sent to ‘bad places’ recently, and although Berkay hasn’t had to move base from Kayseri yet, it is a possibility, one we hope he can avoid. People in the UK who say “bring back National service for the youth of today” need to have a reality check – it’s not just a fun little army training camp, it’s real life, real situations and real people, and that’s scary.

Berkay isn’t enjoying it at all, he’s finding it difficult and struggling more than he lets on, I think. We rarely get a full conversation as the signal is bad or we’re busy. There’s no deep meaningful conversation, just a simple “hi, how are you, what are you doing” – no time for anything else. It makes you feel really distant.

Perhaps the scariest part of it all, is knowing that in five and a half months time it will all be over, and we’ll be free to move on, finally. Although he’s only been in for 6 months, the army has been a huge obstacle for a long time, and once it’s out of the way we’ll be ‘free’. Free to live together without knowing we’ll be separated for a year later on, have a permanent home rather than a temporary one, be able to get married, have a family, etc without the army lingering over us. This is a relief, but also overwhelming, and the future is just so uncertain. I know nobody has a crystal ball, nobody knows what is going to happen tomorrow, a week from now or a year from now, but we can’t even plan which country we’ll live in. I don’t earn enough for Berkay to get a visa to live in the UK, hopefully I will eventually, but what time limit do we put on that? Do we just live apart even after the army has finished in the hope that one day I’ll get a payrise or find a job offering more money? I have to be earning the set amount for 6 months before applying, and we have to be married, so there’s something else to think about. Do I save and go there instead?  People keep asking me ‘what’s your plan for once he’s finished?’ – the answer is I don’t know. Neither does he, and we don’t get to speak to each other for long enough to even contemplate or discuss it.

There is so much more to this whole ‘army thing’ than just missing him, it’s a big part of our life, and it really sucks. People say ‘it will go quick, half way has gone already, it will be Christmas soon then it will be really close’ – well, yes, I don’t doubt it, but it doesn’t just end there once he gets his completion papers. A year of our lives will have gone, forever and we’ll probably still be apart for longer.

For now, we’ll keep plodding along. Day after day, putting marble after marble in the ‘days down’ jar, and hoping that everything will eventually come together.

“Everything will be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, it’s not yet the end”.

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13 comments

  1. Rachel Nesbit · · Reply

    Love your blogs Danı you are so honest! Thıs one really hıt close to home   My boyfrıend ıs goıng ın the army ın 3 weeks tıme, sayıng ım dreadıng ıt doesnt come close! Know that your blogs brıng so much ınsıght to so many people, and a sense of ‘ım not the only one to thınk that or go through that’ for those who can relate to what you are wrıttıng about. xxx

    1. Thanks Rachel. 🙂 OH no, its hard, not gonna lie! I hope he’s placed somewhere nice. Yes, I love when I find people writing about things I can relate to and try to do the same x

  2. Jane Diment · · Reply

    Your final comment about ‘the end’ is so true Danni. Keep going. You will get through. xx

  3. Danny it will be alright things will work in the end have faith I love reading your blog I wish you all the luck in the world xx

  4. keep going and keep your chin up,it will be all over soon the last 6 months have flown and hopefully the next 6 will too for you you both have the rest of your life together and you know what they say;”Absence makes the heart grow fonder” Good Luck for your future togetherxx

  5. Colette · · Reply

    Danni what is the set amount you have to earn every month for 6 months?? Its wrong that the minimum earning is 18k a year who on earth earns this money on minimum wage? So many obstacles keeping us apart from the one we love. Xx

    1. Half of 18k i guess! you have to show 6 months minimum of wage slips.. They take the lowest wage slip and multiply that by 12 I think and if its under 18.6k its a no. x

  6. Hi danni, I have been following your blog for over a year now. I’m in the same situation as you. In a long distance relationship with someone from Turkey. I went 15 months without seeing my boyfriend when he was in the army, starting a new job and the fact he was in sirnak at the time during his service meant we went a long time without seeing each other. And yes I had everyone asking me what we were going to do once he left the army, we are still living apart trying to both save money. I can’t afford to bring him here and the fact we are not married. It’s so much pressure on top of the distance. From what I have read you would be so much happier saving money and moving there and getting married. Turkey is your home. Thinking of you as I know how you feel.
    Kelly xx

    1. Oh wow, that really is the same situation! I think thats what we’ll end up doing, living apart to save but then it just seems all so pointless. How do you cope? good to hear from someone who understands x

      1. When I first read your post on how you met Berkay and got together it’s exactly like me and my boyfriend. Met 5 years ago, went back and forth and visited for about 7 months then I moved over for just under a year. The only difference is, is that I moved back due to having no money and that I knew he would be going in the army. Now my life here is keeping us apart due to new job opportunities and the fact I don’t earn the amount needed for the spouse visa. It sucks and it gets harder the longer we are together 😦 as we both don’t want to raise our children over there that is why I haven’t moved over permanently as I need to build my career :-/ we are even thinking of moving to Ireland and working there to try and avoid the visa requirements. Even though you are apart while he is in the army it will make you and Berkay so much stronger 🙂 and once it is out the way you’ll be able to build your lives together without having that hanging over your heads. I have that feeling that you will eventually be over there permantely as it seems Turkey is your home 🙂 xxx

  7. I have been reading your blog and the more I think about it I feel you belong in Turkey. I have had conditions with Turkey for a long time and really understand the lifestyle differences. When Berkay comes out of the army move back your life is with him , you seem so right for each other. A lovely couple. Take care really hope you both get to be happy together with your gorgeous Dog x

    1. Aww thanks for the lovely comment. x

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