Being real

I wanted to do a happy post today, with all our photos from my birthday on Friday, happy smiley faces and a great day out in London – I will write that post soon, but before that, I just need to get something else off my chest.

I haven’t really written any long, meaningful posts on here for a while, mainly just photos, what we’ve been doing, general day to day stuff. Why? Well, family were reading my blog more than I realised, and instead of commenting about how well it was doing, how well I’d done to get so many views etc, they just picked single phrases out of my posts and commented negatively on those. I felt like they had invaded my personal place, my blog, my thoughts, my words, my feelings, the place I thought I could be myself has become less private, so I stopped sharing it on my personal Facebook page. Now I just think F**k it – let them. Let them pick apart everything I do, let them read, hell, some people I see every single day of my lives and have known for 22 years could learn more about me from my blog than through our normal everyday interaction – guaranteed.

I  could just write that happy post that I intended to, share it and keep everyone reading my blog with a big smiley face – but what is the point of that? What’s the point of portraying an image of us that isn’t real? I want to be honest, I want to keep my blogs true to myself. People always say ‘it could be worse – think positive’. Someone please tell me when those 4 words, ‘it could be worse’ have made anyone feel better? It’s bullshit. I KNOW it could be worse, I could have no family, I could be a one legged blind homeless woman, I know. Does this mean I’m not entitled to feel the way I do? Does it mean I’m not grateful for the things I do have? Of course not. I am grateful. All those 4 words do is make people feel guilty for feeling the way they do – which in turn, only makes them feel worse. It most certainly doesn’t help.

Anyway, here it is. I’ve realised over the past 3 weeks he’s been here, that Berkay not being here, in England permanently isn’t the problem. Of course it is a huge stumbling block, but if he were allowed in the country to stay, work and live, tomorrow, would we really be happy here? These 3 weeks have made me realise, that no, I don’t think we would. Life here just isn’t the same as life in Turkey. Perhaps it’s because we made our own life there, had our own house, own friends, nobody to answer to, nobody to clean up after or to rely on. We just had ourselves, and our dog. Sure, we had bills to pay, Berkay worked 24/7 and we had money worries, but we managed, and we were happy. I liked the isolation. I enjoyed it.

It’s just not the same here. I’ve been back here six and a half months and it still doesn’t feel like home. I hate it. I just hate it. It still feels like I’m intruding in someone else’s house. I live with 4 other people, yet I feel more alone than I did when I spent 18 hours a day alone in our house in Turkey.

I was closer to my family when I lived in Turkey – I spoke to them every day because I missed them – we had things to tell each other – now we talk because we have to, because we’re sat in the same room and there’s an awkward silence. People who made an effort to talk to me when I was thousands of miles away now no longer bother even though I’m right here, in the same country, city, town.

The other day, I had tears in my eyes because Berkay was watching a film and the doorbell that rang in the scene sounded exactly like the one at our house did. We rewound it to listen again. Even I know that’s not normal, who the hell gets so excited about hearing a doorbell that they rewind and listen to it over?

The problem isn’t that Berkay isn’t here with me permanently, the problem is that I am not there with him.

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28 comments

  1. fiona bakir · · Reply

    Danni go home to Turkey that is where your heart is with Berkay and Boncuk in your own little house. Money isnt everything but happiness is. Do what your heart tells you. xx

  2. Hi Danni and Berkay,I have been reading your blog for a while now and one of the things I love about it is that your words come from the heart. I try and give you positive comments on what you have written and all I thought when I read the above was omg good for you,echoing all my thoughts about your blog, open honest and straight to the point. I’ve said in a previous comment you should go home with Berkay and Boncuk,yes I know it’s going to be hard but you have come here to the uk you have tried to find a job with a decent wage you are unhappy so follow your heart and go back. I could say so much more but it would take up too much room lol I admire you for coming back and trying but it hasn’t worked out. My ten year old has already bought a bag to put treats in for Boncuk and has asked me to look for a minion bag so she can put some minion hair clips in it for you bless her heart. Go back Danni no one should think badly of you. You should feel proud of yourself for trying. Hugs to you both ✈ x

  3. jordan adams · · Reply

    Go home babe . Turkey is home for you . Happiness is everything.. money isn’t x. X

  4. I think you would be happier in Turkey, it is a totally different way of life, if you married would you not be able to get kimlik and stay there? Good luck in all that you do x

  5. I have started following recently and I agree with everyone when I say go back 😉 I also feel as if I could have wrote parts of this blog. I am currently visiting family in the US in one of the most beautiful beaches with my whole family and I feel more alone the an ever. I know the money struggles are hard, but your happiness is more important. I think you and Berkay need to have a serious talk before he leaves. Good Luck with anything you decide & HAPPY {belated} BiRTHDAY 🎉😀

  6. you will do what is right at the right time

  7. Isabella Rose · · Reply

    I really enjoy your posts but this last one really hit home ! I left my heart in Izmir ! I know how you feel ! I’ve realised that nothing is the same anymore ! I long to be back in Izmir !! My heart is there !! Hugsssss sweetest brave girl ! Do what your heart wants ! Good luck !

    Sent from my iPad

    >

  8. At last!!! I knew that eventually you would have these feelings, because I was exactly the same in the early days, but you had to work through this process and feel these things for yourself. Nothing I, or anyone else, could say would make you come to this conclusion until you were ready. Your home is where your heart is…in Turkey…with Berkay and Boncuk. Danni my love, you will survive….just do it xxxx

  9. Lyn İnce · · Reply

    COME HOME HUNNİ Yes i’m shouting at you!!! Money. Worry.What should i do would happen in England too. İn the summer both Resul and i work and if were lucky we get to sleep in the same bed at the same time. but hun i would not change being here with him for a share of the lottery. My heart is breaking for you. Home is where your heart is… Get packing xxxx

  10. clarice · · Reply

    i liver here i turkey and i know exactly where ur coming from on this post i went bak fr christmas for 2months. here in turkey the moneys not perfect or life but ur much happier and where you at to be just come back and maybe in a few years if yous are still wanting to go to he uk then have another go at it but it sounds to me home is turkey for you, your boyfriend and the dog can be happy together no distance xxx

  11. Elly Crusoe · · Reply

    Go back to Turkey and make your dream a reality x

  12. {{{hugs}}}
    I know *exactly* what that feels like. I’d say the same as Elly – go back to Turkey 🙂

  13. Reading the last paragraph made my eyes teary. I’m in the same boat as you. As I want to live in turkey with my partner, that’s were I belong & I’m happy there. I speak to my family everyday and YES it’s great no arguments, life feels good. I guess were around the same age in our 20s and it feels great to be free, I love life over there. Money is an issue for is as well as I had to come home 2 weeks ago. But I feel selfish if I’m not in the uk were my family wants me to be. It’s hard to be in this position.

  14. Reading the last paragraph made my eyes teary. I’m in the exact same boat as yourself. I belong in turkey, I feel like I come alive there, I’m loved very much and it’s so hard when I have to leave and say goodbye after 3 months. Life is easy and hard at the same time, (money worries)! I hate going back and forth all the time. Now I have to wait 60 days to enter turkey. If your happy there like myself GO! You will be forever happy and I wish you all the luck. Maybe I’ll be lucky to and live happily ever after…

  15. Carly Lianne Hickling · · Reply

    This has actually made me cry..Just go back to Turkey, (easier said than done)
    Sometimes you have to go with your heart no matter how difficult.

  16. Be where your heart and soul is happiest, go back to Turkey hun, x x x x x x x x x

  17. Danni,First of all Love, and Blessings to both you and Berkay.
    I agree with AYAK ( and she has been there got the T-Shirt etc etc) so is more in tune with your situation than many of us who comment (POSITIVLY) on your blogs.
    I know that it is hard when your family are negative about your blog’s, but do remember that there are hundreds ( 100.000+ ) of us who who do not do this. Surely they knew before they commented negatively on your blog that it would upset you, not uplift you! and these people are your FAMILY…. what are they thinking.
    Regarding the “Doorbell ” on the film. HELLO….. Alarm Bells Ringing anyone!!!!!. So much so that somewhere in your subconcious mind it was telling you to re-wind, so that you got it.
    It seems that you know that you know that you know … deep in your heart that you are NOT happy at Work, you are NOT happy at home with your family and all the negative vibes, and you are totally NOT happy away from Berkay.
    As AYAK says, with this situation you cannot go raound, you cannot go over…. You have to go Through it, to really know what your heart is screaming at you to do….. Go back with the love of your life and leave the ones that do not have your best interests at heart to fester in their own storm of negativity, gloom and doom.
    Of course i am Not including your Mum in all of this, as it is clear from your Blogs & pictures that she really loves and cares for you both, and of course she will want only happiness for you, which recently is what she has.
    As i commented on your Blog (100.000 views) the reason is that YOU KEEP IT REAL. You are very brave to write this particular blog and we love you for it. Please do not let anyone spoil the rest of your time with Berkay here.
    If you could get up-north you are very welcome to stay at my house for the rest of his stay!
    Large 7 bedroom Farmhouse in the country side! I am serious about this offer!!!!! I just want you to be happy Danni.
    Love, Hugs and blessings to you all.

  18. It takes some courage to share such honest and personal feelings. You have already proved what a courageous young woman you are. I think you are being true to yourself in saying your heart is in Turkey. Your job is about to come to an end, maybe you should sieze the day and return to Turkey for the Summer at least. You have plenty of time to be in the UK and try to meet the silly rules while Berkay is in the army, for now do what makes you happy.

  19. Gary Lamacraft · · Reply

    Well Danni think all above have just about said everything that can be said.You need to return home with Berkay and live your life with happiness and peace in your heart,which by the way belongs to Turkey.As others have said your blog is from somewhere deep within you honest and genuine and that’s what makes it so real.Dont fret what others that are supposedly close to you think because the rest of us enjoy your blogs and look forward to them. As the blog says” living the Turkish dream” so go and live yours Danni happy with Berkay at home in the country you love and call home………Do it for us all..love to you both

  20. Danni, follow your heart come back home and be happy xxx

  21. I’ve only just started reading your blog and I’m hooked!! I can empathise with you totally, having also been in a relationship with a turkish man myself. You are amazing Danni and I know how hard these relationships can be, because there is so much to consider, but I say go back to Turkey. Do it!! you have no commitments to keep you here. Do what your heart tells you. Money isn’t everything, happiness is. Love and hugs xx

  22. I think you need to be honest with everyone dan rather than posting what suits you. Be real – isnt that the title of your latest blog? Talk to me. I love you as much as mum does even tho for some reason you appear to have given the impression otherwise. X

  23. I’m on the other side of the coin so to speak. My husband and I married in Turkey and we settled in my country all the way across the ocean. He’s been here many years and hates it here. He has been miserable. We now have a child and I believe he stays for her, and to keep up the appearances so his family in Turkey will think he is successful. It’s horrible, he’s mean to me and just plain angry most of the time. We didn’t start out like this. When I read your posts I remember the way we were. It’s so sad. Now I can’t imagine moving back to Turkey with him because of the way he treats me. So bitter, and so angry that moving here was not what he expected. He missed Turkey more than he thought and blames me for it. He hid his misery for many years but when the anger built up to the point he exploded it all came out. If we had just stayed in Turkey to begin with, things would be so much different now. 😦 Go back, and be happy. We came here because of money and it was the ruin of our lives.

    1. Oh this really made me sad – this is what I’m afraid of – Im almost certain Berkay wouldn’t like living in the UK – it’s just not the same. I hope things get better between you and your husband ❤ x

  24. So many comments all saying the same thing,listen to your heart Danni it’s the only way x

    1. I’ve just seen you messaged me on CBF – I have been reading all the comments but forgetting to approve! Sorry! I think my decision is made… 🙂 x

  25. I’ve been reading your blog since I went to Turkey on holiday. Four years ago I decided to quit my well-paying job, stable life etc to move to Morocco. Sure it was tough and still is, but I don’t regret it for a second. I’m so happy here in Morocco and can’t imagine going back to the life you are struggling with x

    1. 🙂 I love hearing from other people who feel the same – sometimes money isn’t everything. x

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